黒い涙

Another crappy 2012 post! (lol i geddit I'm slow)

2012-01-20T13:55:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since I've last written anything here.

Well, truth be told, I'm just too busy for it, can't remember how I used to find time to write my daily crap here.

Okay honestly speaking, I am just lazy! Haha!

So it's 2012 now, don't worry the world isn't gonna end any time soon.

I still have yet to get my driving license, get married, have babies and be Beyonce's backup dancer. Lol.

Still, 2011 has passed so fast!

Perhaps, there were just too many things that occurred.

SOT, working life, the breakup and what not.

I thought it was going to be a bad year, afterall I went downhill and it took awhile for me to climb back up.

But I enjoyed the last few months of my 2011 thoroughly, the parties, the friends, the love and of cos reacquainting myself with God again.

On a side note, I really do enjoy my freedom.

Guess it's hard to tie an Aquarius down huh...

Okay that's a lie, just waiting for the right man, at the right time!

So while waiting, I say "Bring the boys out!!!!" HAHAHAHA. Just kidding.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It's 2012!! And bloody hell, CNY is just around the corner!

(I haven't lost enough weight to put it back on during the festive season yet!)

I just wanna shoutout to all my lovely friends, thank you for being there for me, thank you for your love and thank you for being YOU!

Life's short people! So spend it with the people you love most preciously!

Beyonce - Love on Top

Bring the beat in!

Honey, honey
I can see the stars all the way from here
Can't you see the glow on the window pane?
I can feel the sun whenever you're near
Every time you touch me I just melt away

Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears
And finally you put me first

Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.

You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.

Ooo! Come on Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.
Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.
My love on top.

Come on Baby
I can feel the wind whipping past my face.
As we dance the night away.
Boy your lips taste like a night of champagne.
As I kiss you again, and again, and again and again.

Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears.
And finally you put me first.

Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.

Ooo! Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.

Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.

Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I that always calls.
When I need you baby everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top.

Baby.You're the one I love.
Baby You're all I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I always call.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
Baby You're the one that I need.
You're the only one I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

2012, Hello?

2012-01-09T16:30:00.002+08:00

Another year passed, another season has begun... Finally gotten my hands on a pair of Steve Madden's! More Les Desirables!

- G Star Denim Jeans

- Jeffery Campbell Shoes

- Shu Uemura BB Mousse

- Shiseido Anessa Perfect Smooth Sunblock

- Swarovski Encrusted/White Gold-Diamond Cross Pendant and Necklace

- iPhone 4S

- New Wallet

- New Watch

- Wicked Musical

- Universal Studios Singapore

- MBS Hotel Stay

- MAC Studio Fix Foundation NC20 & Liquid Eyeliner

- MacBook Pro

- 48kg

- $7000 for U.S Trip

- Dance related job opportunities.

- Debt free

- Acne & hyperpigmentation free skin.

lol. Goals for this year!

This is for you... :)

2011-10-06T13:32:00.002+08:00

Two is Better than One - Boys Like Girls

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one

wait for it

2011-08-20T22:05:00.002+08:00

i have always been waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
i just wanted you to fill all of me.
i just wanted you to woo me.
i guess this is every girl's desire,
to be wooed by the person they love,
and not the other way round.

somehow the past 2.5 years seem like a lie...
but i know what i felt,
what i've really loved,
was from my heart.
i don't just want you,
i want US.

and now,
i am stuck waiting again.
always waiting.
are you worth the wait?
i don't know,
but i remembered the man i was once in love with.
he definitely was worth everything.
i remembered the relationship we had,
it was worth my entire life.

i just wanna love again.
not with anybody,
but a special someone.

love lockdown

2011-08-07T03:32:00.001+08:00

look,
i'm just gonna
forget
about this entire situation.

it pained the hell out of me
and i thought you deserved it too
but
it ends here.

your mind is a battlefield

2011-08-03T22:10:00.002+08:00

so life has left me at crossroads again.
there's this constant war in my head which ceases to end.
i'm going back-forth in doing what's right and doing what i desire.
i battle against being happy by indulging in the wrong things and seeking God.
i war against my past memories and love.

seriously, i would rather wipe out everything in my head.
i would rather forget everything, everyone and start afresh.
perhaps i am just being selfish,
finding a route of escape,
but life holds no meaning for me anymore.
giving up is an option,
fighting back is also a choice.
clearly, as an SOT student, i should brave the odds and continue pushing on in life cos God's with me.
yes, that is the right thing i should do.
but hey God, i'm tired, is it ok if i take a break?
when i'm ready, when i'm done recuperating,
i want to say "I give You all of me.".
and when i say that, i won't look back with regrets,
i won't look back on my Egypt,
i want to look forward to the Promised Land.
during this time, i just want to prepare my heart for that day.

i just want to sincerely apologize to everyone that i have let down.
Gin,
Kenny,
Aaron,
Carol,
Team 6.
I plead for your forgiveness.
Sorry for disappointing you after six months and yet it seems i am unable to crucify my old man. Thank you for not giving up on me, i don't wanna let y'all down so i am still trying.
most importantly, i don't wanna let myself and God down.

that said, i hope my face cures soon...

caught in this rapture of love.

2011-07-20T18:49:00.002+08:00

So this time around,
I'm going away again, without you.
The difference is we are not together anymore.
Yet, I am still hopelessly devoted, hopelessly in love, hopelessly waiting for you.
Not that I want to think that it is entirely hopeless,
you said this trying to you is 1% success and 99% failure,
but I see it the other way round.

People say love blinds people.
I say love accepts people.
I accepted you when you said you like being like this.
I accepted you when everything you do hurts and kills me inside.
I accepted you when you took advantage of me.
I accepted every bit of it.
No, I don't feel like I am being a fool,
I just want to love you in my way.

You say if you really love someone, let them go.
But it got me thinking,
if that's the case will anyone ever get married?
Will our parents still have hope in us, even if we commit mistakes after mistakes?
No...
I truly am caught in this rapture of love,
and I never want to just let it go.
Because you mean so much to me,
because you are worth loving,
because you complete me.

I don't even know if you read this,
but all these are words from my heart.
I mean every bit of it, every detail.
Perhaps I have told you more than once before,
but you might not haven taken my words seriously.
But I just want you to know,
You are special to me,
You are precious to me,
You are my joy,
and I love you still, every single day, every single moment of my life.

Sometimes I wonder,
if I went away for long, will you miss me?
Will you think of me? Will you love me more? Will you give us this chance again?
It tortures me to know that we are so close yet miles apart from each other.
I want to be your special person again,
I want to be the important woman in your life,
I want to be the one who understands you the most,
I want to be your girl,
the only girl in the world to shower you with love.

Whenever I think about this, I just feel like disappearing...
And not coming back.
Sigh.

Will you give me an answer soon?
When I'm back can the 1% success becomes 99.9999999% success instead?

I miss you.

to the boy i love

2011-06-30T02:54:00.005+08:00

done with 2 sermons and 8 more to go...
i should be sleeping soon since preaching test is in a few hours time and i need to catch up on sleep!
since, i'm still awake,
thought that i should blog for a bit to update this space.

it's been what 6 days since we last talked,
i hope things are doing well for you,
i just want you to know that i still care and love you the same.
you say things will never be the same again, that i know very well,
because i want to believe things will be better than before.
you ask me "why do i love you so much?",
honestly speaking i can't find a specific answer to that question.
i love everything about you,
your laziness, your humor, your smile, your kindness, your patience, your tantrums...
perhaps i haven't been in the right state of mind,
because every word, every action you make still affects me.
i am not the most self-controlled person in the world,
and i am a girl.
when i'm angry, when i'm hurt, when i'm sad,
words just roll out without processing through my head.
and you and i know, that you're like that too.
as you're enjoying your current status,
i want to bring you back on memory lane,
the kind of happiness, peace, love and joy that we shared.
from our first dates, to our trips abroad together, to going the extra mile for each other...
take a look at the watch that i gave you, can we still live and love each other in this same timeline?
i really miss the boy that once loved me and the boy that i once loved.
the boy is selfless and so exquisite in my eyes.
the boy and i that complete each other.

i'm doing a lot better lately, not because i have moved on,
but because i have my friends support and i'm hoping to see that special smile for me once more.
there are so many things going on that i wish to share with you.
but i know you need time,
and i am giving you time.
i'm waiting for your call,
i'm waiting to see that boy becoming a man. :)

i know you feel that you don't need anyone in your life,
but i'm sure you know that isn't the case.
when you are down and out,
your friends are there for you,
i have been there for you,
listening to you thrashing all your displeasure,
though i couldn't help much, but i'm really thankful at that time you chose me.

so as july 18 comes,
i really hope that you would think seriously and think long term about this.
i don't see this relationship as a joke or a one-off play thing,
i was serious.
and i'm sure you feel the same.
you might think this might not benefit you in the long run,
but looking back those 2++ years we had,
did you really not benefit anything from it? :)

it is my desire to head into the unknown future with you,
to walk beside you equally,
to be respected, loved, cared by you,
as you are to me.
to be the most important person in your life.
you are so imperfectly perfect and i hope you still feel this way for us.
perhaps this time apart is really for us to build a stronger relationship together.
that i really don't know.
so don't say that you don't love me anymore,
don't say that you don't care about me anymore,
don't say that i am not important to you anymore,
and don't say that it is impossible for us anymore.

today, i am still waiting for your call.
i don't know how long it'll take,
but i believe you won't go back on your word.
i miss everything about you. :)

this isn't history.

2011-06-24T13:09:00.003+08:00

it hurts too much to move on without trying.

i miss you like crazy every single day and when i see all these messages from you,

i love you more and i long more for us.

don't shut me out like that....

kaiwen - one part of my life is settled. all-about-me-kw.blogspot.com says:

hello

kaiwen - one part of my life is settled. all-about-me-kw.blogspot.com says:

i would still love u

kaiwen - one part of my life is settled. all-about-me-kw.blogspot.com says:

Playin': David Cook - Come Back To Me

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

© STELLAR SONGS LTD;

burdened

2011-06-12T16:54:00.002+08:00

Why do people not cherish each other? Taking things for granted all the time. You feel hurt, lost and unhappy, but have you thought about it yourself who is causing all these drama but yourself? I mean, sometimes we fall into such a trap that we set up, to get a taste of our own medicine, to want to know what the other party feels. But don't you think this is a little unfair for the person who is going through with you? Especially when it is occurring too many times?

Relationships are actually very simple. Do you love that person? Or do you not love that person? If you love him/her, it is very natural to want to do the best you can for that person. Without expecting the same in return. People express their love in various degrees, some can be passionate, words filled with sweet nothings. Others can be practical, being there for you, doing small things like bringing chicken soup for you when you are sick. The bottom line is to appreciate. Appreciate each other, every day, for the rest of your life that you are together. Cherish him/her when you have them beside you, little by little you will soon realize that they have become your support. No one can survive this world alone. You need a PERSON who understands you and cares for you, because that is how God made Man. He created a helper for Man, which is a Woman. So that when the two are joined, they become One.

So why are you still not appreciating and cherishing him/her? If I were in your shoes, I would reflect and think about the situation. Just think, did he/she really did nothing for you? Didn't he/she shower you with love and attention? Didn't he/she gave you comfort and love when you feel like the whole world was rejecting you?

In your place with such a great man/woman, I would love him/her with all my heart and soul. I would cherish everything. When everything seems impossible, I wouldn't say that it's pointless/useless and take off, I would put in every amount of effort I have to make this relationship work out because he/she is doing the best that he/she can. Can you not see how much he/she loves you? Are you blinded by the worldly things? What can be greater than love? Money? When you have all the money in the world, and realize that no one loves you, will you be happy? Even if you do settle down, are you really certain that he/she is loving you for who you are and not your money? If you have noticed, he/she truly loves you because they held on for so long, trying to work things out with the unchanging you... Sadly, you don't realize it.

I am not talking about my story. I just hope that people in love think about things like this before they seperate from each other. I speak from experience, because there are some things that I regretted not doing when I was in a relationship. If we had another chance, of course I would be more understanding, I would cherish, I would treasure, I would appreciate, I would support and most of all I would love. This is not compromising but loving with all that I can, that is just so simple.

Most of all, I hope you read this and reflect on your action/words. I'm worried and I just want the best for you. (not talking about my issue.)

i miss you

2011-05-28T10:49:00.003+08:00

"I Miss You"

(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
[x3]

(I miss you, I miss you) [x4]

if i could take back all that i have said and done,
all my past mistakes,
i would have.
but i can't.
these things happen to let me know,
how much you've love me,
and how i love you so.
can you forgive me?
i'm just a silly little girl.
i can't explain this emptiness inside,
can you make me whole again?
baby, please don't go...

2011-05-22T17:07:00.001+08:00

喝酒的伴
一起看电影的伴
早午晚餐的那个伴
朋友不能留得太晚
明天要上班
唱K的伴一起去旅行的伴
听懂我的笑话的伴
我的生活
只差那个人就美满

[Chorus]
快乐少一人分享
快乐就只剩一半
喝一碗汤
心怎么都不够暖
这张被单这张睡床
再舒服都觉得太宽
没人分享
幸福就只剩一半
就算把日子都填满
节日却提醒我孤单

没有想法
有想法又能怎样
只能写部落格整晚
几个留言安慰不了
心里的遗憾
没有负担
原来也是种负担
自由多得让人心慌

“你羡慕我那要不要跟我交换”

[ Repeat Chorus]

没人知道我多孤单

Turning 21 in 21 days

2011-01-21T12:30:00.013+08:00

Hi all! It's been so long since I've last blogged! I bet I say this everytime, but today is kinda special cos today marks the countdown of 21 days till my 21st Birthday! Seriously, I wanted to throw a small get-together at a chic little cafe with my friends (not that I have alot) and enjoy a good time. However there are some complications like money and my mother who keeps insisting that I shouldn't celebrate it resulting in so much nagging that I have concluded to not celebrate my birthday. Makes things alot easier and cheaper!

Looking back, I always looked forward to my birthdays cos I get presents (duh) and people treat me nicer on that day, but in the recent years, I have not been enjoying my celebrations. I don't know why? Afraid to grow old? Have white hair or wrinkles? Heh. I ain't too sure myself. I guess I always enjoyed the attention, and that's the end of it. From young, you can say that I couldn't get the attention from my parents as during the crucial childhood phase, my parents were both busy attending to my baby sister and was constantly neglecting me. The most vague memory I can recall them looking out for me is when I refused to study and ended up getting whacked by my mother. Lol! Those were the days. I remember it being very tough, because I wasn't brought up to express myself outwardly, so I kept all the negative emotions inside, hating my family, my life and I was constantly rebelling. My mother told me many times when I was young that I was 'Stupid' and said things like 'I give up on you' when I was 12 and I could understand and feel the pain for such words. I guess that was when I lost all my self confidence, my esteemed and myself.

I was constantly caring about how people see me, I don't have faith, in simple words I lost it. I longed for someone to talk to, to share all these feelings. But I couldn't even admit to myself that I was experiencing all these, much less to disclose it to someone else. What made it worst was Puberty. My skin broke out, I suffered from acne and tremendous weight gain. My height stunted and never felt uglier in my life.

It was hard to admit to myself things would have been a little better if I could be honest and tell my parents about it. Instead of bottling up everything and creating more problems such as sucidal thoughts, depression and what not. I am very lucky to have met certain people in my life today that brought me to God. My relationship with my parents have never been better, we talk like old friends and I started understanding them better. Being involved in a religion was a stepping stone for me. I begin to let myself believe in something called Faith and that was the best gift that God has given me, apart from Dance. Without Faith, I wouldn't have the strength and determination to continue dancing (remember I was fat and uglier, plus my ballet teacher always scolds me and made me cry in class whilst dancing, looking back I'm glad I have all these experiences to share!).

I guess I was also often misunderstood quite a bit cos perhaps I still am not used to telling people about everything that I am feeling, I am learning guys! Bear with me. I guess I am just the kind who's afraid of getting rejected or boring people out! Hahaha. Oh well, I look so scary most of the time cos I don't really know how to approach people plus I shy. Oops. Hehe. Hopefully I will gain more confidence in all the things that I do and look forward to my brightly shining future! LOL.

So now, as I am hitting the age of adulthood, I guess I really wanna thank many people in my life:
1. My dearest family for giving me shelter, care and unconditional love.

2. My dearest friends from TPDE who opened my eyes to the world, laughter, joy, love and good times (plus many more to come!).
3. The instructors in O School for always inspiring and encouraging me.

4. Special shoutout to Gin for giving me shelter in the House of God and always giving timely advices and paving a certain direction for me to work harder to chase after.

5. KOSMIC CREW - you girls and our camaraderie that's something that can never be replaced. Thanks for all the sweat, tears, fireballs and lotsa goooood loving!
6. DN1, don't know what I'll do without you guys! It's like having an external family here.
7. Suz and Charlene for 8 years of great friendship!

8. To my dearest who has been through hell with me (cos I give him hell, sorry baby!) and of cos plenty of good times too. Thank you for loving all side of me, ugly, crazy and silly parts included! :)

Yeah, I am so grateful for everything, but I won't just stop here and be complacent cos I am contented. I want to do greater things and work harder for the goals He has set for me. I have this desire to do more, help more, give more and love more. Life will not be life if we don't make Life what we what it to be! I have so many inspirations for my years ahead! I want to be able to see it come to life! No matter how many times I fail and fall back, I believe these failures will be the experiences that enable me to accomplish my dreams. Sure, there will be more crying, sadness and despair but on top of all that I am sure joy, love, happiness and accomplishment will abolish all these initial, negative emotions!

Currently, I am still slowly accepting to become a better person, it is a timely process but I believe it will happen! So for my 21st birthday, I really appreciate everything that I have. My family, friends and my life. I thank you all for that! :D

Okay I am ending this post with a Birthday Wishlist, haven't done this in years and perhaps to hint to Kaiwen what he can get me! Hahaha!

Wishlist:
1. A good dancer's body, feel and techniques! (Lol)
2. A good wide head epilator. (Sorry I very hairy!!!)
3. Good grades from graduating from SOT.
4. A Swarovski/Diamond encrusted small Christ(cross) necklace.
5. OMG airtickets to New York please!
6. A job that I will come to love and enjoy!
7. Something branded? <----- lol typical 21st birthday wish.
8. Scholarship to study dance.
9. Ooooh trip to Japan (to study dance), lol all dance related!
10. Nike Mid Troup in White!
11. A new carry all bag that makes me look slim. LOL.
12. Better skin.
13. Tremendous weight lost to lean muscles!! Ideal = 48kg! PLS PLS PLS! HAHAHAHA.
14. A great dinner without me paying. :D
15. One night stay in some boutique hotel so I can wake up and say 'WAH ORCHARD IN THE MORNING SO PEACEFUL.'
16. A nude high wasited short shorts that minimizes my gigantic ass.
17. Great friendship for many years ahead!
18. A new wallet!
19. Aiyah, more money lo, what else right?!
20. Another family holiday, this time together with my Boy!
21. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Moving on...

2010-12-04T13:29:00.003+08:00

I haven't been connecting to the world ever since the Carebears stint which is currently still ongoing... Tonnes of things that I wanna do/go/see but I haven't had the time, especially with this killer weather which is causing me to get flu, sore throat and fever! :(

Still I have to work later! Hope my brain won't die on me!

Things that I wanna do/get/whatever:

1. Catch C.S.I Experience at SDC

2. Use my Desperado's Bigdeal coupon @ Sentosa

3. Catch Rapunzel: A tangled tale, The Social Network (is it still showing??), Easy A

4. Use my Modesto's @ Elizabeth 1 for 1 coupon

5. Get an epilator (been wanting one since a year ago..)

6. Pretty wedges that I wanna get...

All these need money and I am vehemently sad that I don't have that kinda money... 30th Dec is my 2nd visit to KKH = more money! Plus, another booboo this Dec is I won't get to celebrate Christmas... Major BOO! I love Christmas, oh well... I must think positively and not predict I will have a lonely Christmas this year!

Hope things will just get better cos God is Good!

Thank you...

2010-11-19T11:28:00.002+08:00

This week has been amazing! First things first, can y'all believe it, O SCHOOL RECITAL 2010 is actually happening tomorrow!! Excited yet I wished it would happen later! Not that I don't feel prepared or anything, it's just that once recital is over, there will be an empty block in my life. I will probably miss Wednesday and Sunday rehearsals, miss heading to O School just to train with everyone, miss the laughter, sweat and the dancing! I will probably feel very lonely then. Every time I do recital, I feel like I am involved in something amazing, something that people get to see for a short while on stage, but it took us a month or two to prepare. I enjoyed the process more than anything and it is always sad to see it end. This year will be a little different since there will be 3 shows; Sat, 7pm & Sun 3 & 7pm! Thank you everyone who has been supporting O SCHOOL RECITAL, cos we've got 3 SOLD OUT SHOWS!!!!!!! :D

With this, I would like to thank O School and all their instructors for always guiding us and giving us the opportunity to perform on such a big stage. Personally, I feel everyone in O School is so exquisite, always lending a helping hand, no matter in life or personal matters! I don't know what I will become if I haven't attended my first O School class back then in Bras Basah! So I really thank God for O School!

And to my dear Kosmic crew, Tuesday night was really fun! I always enjoyed my time with you guys! I will probably miss Marcia alot when she is leaving, cos there will be no one to make us laugh! Okay, please promise that we will go for one more night out before Marcia leaves!!

To my boy, sorry this year I can't go all out for your birthday like I usually do, cos I gotta save money for my hospital bills! But I hope you will still get to enjoy your day with me! ;)

what do you want from me?

2010-11-11T20:05:00.003+08:00

As you get older you have more responsibilities, more commitments, more money to be wasted.

Every month from now I have to set aside money for:

1. Hospital bills

2. Mobile phone bills

3. Personal expenses - travelling, food, contact lenses

4. Monthly tithes, offerings and savings.

5. Random miscellaneous things that require me to pay more money.

It makes me realise how I freaking hate money. When I have money, you keep asking. When I don't you not just ask BUT you keep nagging why I am not earning.

OMG.

I wish I can just shut everything out, it's like you think I get money can drop down from the sky is it? You expect me to have this and have that, but you don't think how difficult it is for me.

You say, I wasted my time after graduation doing nothing.

But i didn't do nothing. I did many things which YOU DIDN'T SEE.

I got involved in YOG, did many dance shows/jobs; I worked at a friggin Daycare centre for kids in a resort, I learned to look after KIDS - change diaper etc; and now I have an upcoming job for a Mascot.

I'm sorry if I am not earning enough to your expectations. You expect me to give you money which I can't afford because I have to look after myself. Did it ever crossed your mind that sometimes i WALK so far in order to save transportation costs? When my EZ link card has no money, were you there to help me? I had to rely on taking out from my Bible school fund or Kaiwen to send me home.

Maybe I sound like an ungrateful, unfilial child, but seriously I am no degree holder. You constantly ask me to move out, saying I am hopeless etc, but still say I AM YOUR MOTHER/FATHER AND I HAVE THE RIGHTS. Technically yes, but seriously, it's been going on for so long, when I don't say anything, doesn't mean that I am okay with it.

Yes, I really wished that I am earning right now, so I could fulfill your wish of moving out and giving you money regularly.

Ugh.

No more holidays, good food, additional spending for me.

Time for me to just solely depend on myself, not like I haven't been doing it, just that now financially, i don't have a choice.

Just some updates.

2010-11-10T12:10:00.003+08:00

A month ago, I visited a neighbourhood family doctor regarding some period issues, I have super bad cramps which require me to rest the entire day at home, other symptoms include body/muscle aches, vomiting, diarrhea and cold sweat, similar to food poisoning. On certain days, when I dance excessively, or that particular dance is very energetic, I tend to get cramps and spotting (eh fyi for male readers, it's a very light blood discharge).

This made it very uncomfortable for me as it was pretty disruptive. I remembered last time during my internship, it got so bad every month I had to take a day or two off. What's worst is that my supervisor didn't believe me! She told my other colleagues "Got so bad meh? It's so exaggerating..."

So back to the family doctor, the doctor prescribed Yaz, a birth control pill, and I was told to take it when my period first started. I previously have pretty regular periods. So i started on 8 Oct and I was pretty impressed with the results as I didn't experience any cramps at all! So I continued to religiously consume it. However, after the normal 7 days of period, I realised I was still having my period! It lasted for whole month of Oct, sometimes regular flow, other times are light spotting.

I got a little bit worried when I finished my course of Yaz and I proceeded to see a doctor at the Polyclinic. The doctor was quite worried when I told her my symptoms and I had to take a test which turned out negative and she proceeded to prescribed me Norethisterone - a kind of hormone called progesterone. She said there were no side effects to this pill, I asked because I was afraid to put on weight.

I began consuming this on Wed, all went well until Fri. I had a little argument with Kaiwen and I have never in my life felt so angry before. It was over a very minor issue and I didn't know why I had to blow up like that, be this angry and doing/saying all those stupid things which I can't remember what I said now. All I knew was rage, in my head, in my body, I just feel like hurting something. It doesn't matter if it was me or someone else. Now thinking back, I remember being very anxious, I wasn't thinking with my head, I was constantly shivering with anger and my body was shaking like crazy. I was crazy, in fact. I couldn't see straight and was hitting myself, until he stopped me and I broke down. I couldn't control my emotions, cried easily and I felt so down that I didn't wanna live anymore. Normally, I wouldn't feel this way, for eg. if Gin scolded me, I will be able to take it, but that day I just started crying when I didn't wanna cry. It's like crying for no reason. I was crying almost everyday before that day and I haven't cried in a LOOOOOONG time.

When things got a little better, after that crazy stint, he asked me not to take those pills anymore. I went home and researched about Norethistherone and I saw many side effects that shocked me more than a little.

Taken from ehow.com (bold to show what I've experienced)

Hormonal Side Effects

The most common norethisterone side effects, experienced by fewer than one in 10 women, include breakthrough bleeding, breast tenderness, changes in sex drive, excessive hair growth, fluid retention and bloating and hair loss.

Additional Side Effects

Additional common side effects include depressed mood, dizziness, drowsiness, fatigue, headaches, insomnia and nausea, rash and itching, and weight gain.

Blood Clots

Progesterone is associated with a slightly-increased risk of blood clots when included with estrogen in oral contraceptives. Progesterone alone may also increase this risk. The risk of blood clots can be increased when people are immobile for long periods of time, such as during bed rest after surgery.

Diabetic Concerns

Norethisterone can increase blood sugar levels, and should be taken cautiously by women with diabetes.

Liver Problems

Rarely, norethisterone is associated with liver problems. Signs are nausea and vomiting, fatigue, dark urine and jaundice.

Luckily, I was due for an appointment at KKH and I feedback to the doctor serving me, she asked me to stop that medication and to wait for my period to come (currently still waiting). I was asked to do a PAP Smear and Ultrasound, which I have no idea for what, I didn't asked cos I was stoned from the pain in my head and the doctor didn't tell me. My next appointment will be in Jan, before I know my results.

Moral of story? See a specialist if you have a specific problem, don't mess with your hormones and stick with friends who understand and support you! Thank you Beibei, Iris and Ah Lee, for understanding.

So now I am off the stupid hormone pill and feeling tad better! I don't feel like dying (lol) or crying though the faigue is still there. Nevertheless, I better start looking after my health now!

Mishmash

2010-10-21T14:29:00.003+08:00

Geez, I guess I really do miss you afterall.

I feel like a few hours over the weekend is not enough.

Hmm.

I'm getting so lazy to blog ever since I started www.trouvergrade.blogspot.com

I guess it's more interesting there since there are things to talk about afterall.

All I can say is Dance is good.

I really love Gin's Recital Item this year! The crazy people! The rehearsals! Everything!

I don't feel ready yet, but I really enjoyed the processing of working with new people, pushing myself and exploring in the world of dance! :)

Keep dancing guys!

Trouver Garde

2010-10-19T13:39:00.004+08:00

Hey guys!

Sorry for the absence, been pretty busy with dance and what not! Anyway, please check out my other blog: www.trouvergarde.blogspot.com! By the way it's in French and it means Finding Keeps. Goes along well with what I had in mind, what you can find (goodies?? :)) is what you get to keep!

I have been working on it for a couple of days now, by the way it isn't really a blogshop, more of my fashion site? I sell my beloved clothings as my wardrobe is getting too huge to handle and space is limited. Most of them are brand new or at most worn once and they have been sitting in my closet since forever.

So if you're short on budget but wanna get your hands on something, do check my site out!

I will be updating as frequently as possible so that there will be more things for y'all to look at!

So please support and check it out!

Friends who are interested to feature your clothes can contact me too!

Love,

Sam

October lovin'

2010-10-10T21:23:00.002+08:00

This month is a month of love,
a month of hugs, kisses and saying 'I love you'!

It's never too late to start loving and I am thankful to have such wonderful friends giving me love all the time!

thank you guys, so people start loving!
Stop hating!

A day in the Lee Family

2010-09-27T13:40:00.002+08:00

The other day in the Lee family, around 7pm.

The two Lee daughters were happily napping on the couch when the Elder Sis Lee woke up suddenly as she recalled that Daddy Lee was supposed to call her mobile to ask her what she wants for dinner. Frantically, she ran to her phone and lo and behold, there were 2 missed calls from the old man.

So, she immediately dialed Daddy Lee's number using the home phone and this was the conversation...

Elder Sis Lee: Hello Daddy, where are you?

Daddy Lee: I'm at XXX. Aiyo now then call, I called your stupid jie jie (older sister) and she didn't picked up the phone, still want me to buy dinner... (rambles on and on and on...)

Elder Sis:.............. I AM THAT STUPID JIE JIE (older sis)

Lol. This is how life in the Lee family is, a little irritating, sometimes abit angsty but most of the times, these funny moments make the entire household a hell lot tighter! :D

P.S By the way, according to various sources, my younger sister and I seemed to have the same voice and similar way of speaking (lazy to move our lips when we talk, so our mouths literally open and close only.), my boyfriend ever mistaken my sister for me on the phone once and kinda 'scolded' her... LOL.

I'm not dead... YET.

2010-09-19T22:37:00.007+08:00

Have you guys heard of the movie Charlie St. Cloud

Okay, I'm not asking because of Zac Efron, bet many fan girls are still into him - move on honey, he's attached!

Charlie St Cloud seems like another tearjerker movie that attempts to thug at our heartstrings.

Thankfully though, it is not just another romantic comedy, it also instills (somewhat) family values, the deal about making/breaking promises and moving on with life.

Sounds similar to My Sister's Keeper, don't ya think?

Anyway, here's the synopsis for y'all:

Based on an acclaimed novel, Charlie St. Cloud is a romantic movie starring Zac Efron as a young man who survives an accident that lets him see the world in a unique way. In this emotionally charged story, he begins a romantic journey in which he embraces the dark realities of the past while discovering the transformative power of love.

Accomplished sailor Charlie St. Cloud (Efron) has the adoration of mother Claire (Oscar^®winner Kim Basinger) and little brother Sam (newcomer Charlie Tahan), as well as a college scholarship that will lead him far from his sleepy Pacific Northwest hometown. But his bright future is cut short when a tragedy strikes and takes his dreams with it.

After his high-school classmate Tess (Amanda Crew) returns home unexpectedly, Charlie grows torn between honoring a promise he made four years earlier and moving forward with newfound love. And as he finds the courage to let go of the past for good, Charlie discovers the soul most worth saving is his own.

So Nuffnang posted this question to us: "“Who would you like Charlie St. Cloud (Zac Efron) to choose – his brother or the girl he likes? And why?"

My answer? Of course the girl he likes!

There's no point in holding onto something that has already passed on in life, yes it is heart-breaking and you'll definitely not forget it, but one has to learn to let go.

We cannot let the dead lead our lives, whereas the living live on with some many restrictions, might as well be dead!

If I were Zac Efron, I'm sure my little brother will understand that he has to move on too and he should know that we will all miss him as we love him very much.

So the girl's definitely a keeper!

I bet if she understands what he is going through, she will not only be his support but also the door to move on in his life! (tsk tsk that's how great girls are! ;p)

Okay enough of my rambling, check out the trailer below!

and...

Catch Zac Efron in his new romantic movie Charlie St. Cloud, opening in cinemas September 30!

2010-09-08T14:45:00.001+08:00

is it time to move on?

2010-09-08T01:58:00.002+08:00

tell you the truth i can't even remember our anniversary.

i can't remember when was the last time we went out on a date.

i can't remember the last few sweet words you said,

all i cam remember is your face,

the hurtful words,

and the unforgiving tone.

what is love?

2010-07-13T01:11:00.002+08:00

Please let me find love again.

When I see pictures on tumblr or those romantic handwritten notes, I always crave for them.

but i know i won't get it because the person i am in love with doesn't do this kinda things.

sometimes i wonder why there's so much differences in the things that you want and the things that you get.

Can you tell me what is love?

The love that I see, is when a father holds his child proudly and every so tenderly.

The love that I see, is a dancer dancing her heart out.

The love that I see, isn't the right love for you and me.

So will you show them to me?

I can't see what the future holds now.

Confused.

What '-ship'? Oh that...

2010-07-03T20:10:00.003+08:00

After thinking for many months and talking to some lovely people yesterday, I have decided to pen down the extra 'feelings' I have for a certain group of friends.

I don't really care now that my circle of close secondary school friends have dwindled down to a single digit 2, I don't care if the rest are fucked up/angry with me and I don't care if you were pissed with me for what happened in September last year.

But I do know now that I still have 2 very good friends from my puberty days growing up with me and moving on in life.

Frankly speaking, I do feel guilty for not having enough time or putting enough effort in meeting up with the rest, I was pursuing my dream, my passion, my goal. Is that so wrong for me to do so? I don't think so. You might think that I am selfish, but I am just aiming for my goals, moving on with life, heading towards the direction that I want to head to. Like I said, I admitted my negligence on the group and I am sorry for that. For putting you guys off or turning down events because I am packed with last minute rehearsals and what not. Most of the days where you guys are available, I have rehearsals. When I am free, you guys are not. It is just difficult to compromise to a suitable timing. Even so, some of us are still able to meet up without being pushy or demanding about it.

Just to clear things up about what happened in September, I was super eager to meet up and celebrate, I even agreed and said I had bought the present already, so I won't be sharing that. (FYI no one replied to that and kept me to share for present and I don't know what.) Then I had last minute rehearsals, and I asked if we could do something else instead cos I thought it would be too costly on your pockets if I wasn't there (perhaps I didn't explain clearly) and you got pissed with me for that. I'm sorry if I am such a broke miser that I cannot such a luxurious gift for my friend, but it is the thought that counts right?

Just so you know, I am totally cool now that you guys don't ask me out or whatsoever, I have someone to share this feeling with me.

And from this, I know what REAL FRIENDSHIP is.

Friendship is not determined by the quantity of time spent, but the quality of each rare, precious moment is shared with your friends. Seriously I treasured all my friends, no matter how much differences we have, I just have a different outlook of it.

Now I know, I have a group of close friends that keep me sane and make me insane at the same time, the group that seen the good, bad and ugly sides of me and still cherish me even though I cannot meet up with them (perhaps meet only once/twice a year?).

And I know, that we will be friends for life.

I am not talking about everyone in this post... perhaps just two people. Oh well, stay happy and don't bitch too much. Karma can be a very cruel thing. No hard feelings okay.

Okay, I gotta hibernate and protect myself cos I believe people will start cursing from this post onwards.

there's a little something...

2010-06-24T01:49:00.002+08:00

i have this sudden inkling,

a sudden discomfort deep in my heart.

no i ain't thinking too much,

i'm just pondering about love.

what does love derive from?

happiness? what is true happiness?

all of a sudden, i feel that i can't love again,

not because you aren't here,

but more of i'm scared of getting hurt.

i never wanna fall back to where i begin.

so i'm praying lord, for you to shower a little happiness in all our hearts.

our lives,

and souls.

not just me,

but my friends too please!

we need your help now,

cos all we've lost can't be found.

we just need a little thing called faith,

and strength comes in handy at the end.

I WANNA BE HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

fist time, i feel so very sad/affected because of my friends problems.

ahhhhhh.

gone

2010-05-20T11:28:00.002+08:00

When things are changing, you can't help but wonder what went wrong. It is definite that there will be finger pointing and people pushing the blame, refusing to admit that they had their part to play too. All these are just inevitable.

I'm sorry for all the hurt I have caused and whatever that is my fault. I always say 'Sorry', I hope you realized that and maybe do the same to me too, when you're at fault.

Now the there are two solutions, to walk out of it or to keep being patient until the right day has come. And I am at a loss, too many saying 'Let Go', but all I wanted was for things to be better. I hope I can find the strength in Him right now, to make the right decisions.

How much is Forever?

2010-05-03T14:31:00.012+08:00

Just when I thought my mentor was gone, you walked into my life with funny antics.

God's blessing.

Friends forever. :D

When you cried, all that overcome me was guilt for hurting you.

Thank you for all the feelings. :) Love you.

Our last family trip in 5 or more years?

I want to earn enough to bring you guys out of Asia. :)

Dad, when I was fat and ugly, you embraced me.

When I was tired and battered, you teared for me.

When I was, happy and jubilant, you never left my side.

Thank you.

After reading The Time Traveller's Wife, My Sister's Keeper and the news of Melissa Toh, I question myself to - How much is Forever? We all live in a world that comes to an end some day, maybe not now, not 2 months later or 5 years down the road. Somehow, the world that is said to come to a standstill is degenerating slower than we can see that predicted day. We all leave first. To where? I don't know, some people say we become ghosts, some say we disappear, but I would like to believe that we go into Heaven. Into God's arms.

When I read these books, I feel immature, childish, stupid for worrying about that zit on my face, to being insecure about my weight - resulting in me shutting myself out from the world that is changing constantly. The books taught me an important lesson, what is there to life if you don't love and give? I guess loving people in your lifetime can be the greatest gift on Earth besides giving. I know those with broken hearts are gonna curse me to the max now, but perhaps we are just loving wrongly?

I remembered once in Cellgroup, Kenny talked about love, about how We - each and every single one of us are always desperately finding love with other people who don't love us. For example, you have a family, wonderful husband, and two lovely children. Yet you are constantly out there, trying to get people to likfe you, be it from your boss, colleagues or even the pantry lady. All these efforts that you have put into, if directed to your family back home, wouldn't you reap greater results? Your family are people who already and have been loving you for so long and yet humans, greedy as ever crave for more.

I am not saying that you cannot go out there and make friends or be nice to people, I am just saying why should we try so hard on people who don't care about us and put these efforts into people who do.

With this, I would love to thank my wonderful but at times annoying family & boyfriend, for never giving up on me, my friends that I met in dance who have seen the worst and best of me and the people I met from oschool/church/cellgroup. Thank you for letting me learn so much.

May God bless everyone.

Universal Studios Singapore

2010-05-02T19:03:00.017+08:00

About two weeks or so ago, Kaiwen brought me on a trip to Universal Studios. Actually, it was his mum who bought the tickets for us cos it was her company's event. There were only three rides opened that night, Shrek, The Mummy ride and another mini-coatser located at Land Faraway.

The Mummy ride wasn't too bad, one of the better indoor rollercoaster rides; Shrek was awesome!!!! 4G ftw.

We didn't sit the last ride as we were busy munching on Goldilocks, it's a food and beverage outlet that serves fried chicken! HUGE fried chickens in fact that melts in your mouth! It's similar to popeyes, but bigger in size and much more appetising!

Okay enough of talking, peektures time!!! :)

Ohohoh, I forgot to say that we watched the Water World(?) show too! Very exciting, funny and just simply dope!

updates of updates!

2010-05-01T20:26:00.002+08:00

Wow. How long has it been since I've last blogged?

Things have been going pretty well, I have tonnes to update. Since GEM 5, Choreographer's Ball, Universal Studios trip, Taipei Graduation Trip etc. etc.

This week has been pretty hectic! After we landed, there were just countless of activities waiting for me!

Meeting with the clique of my favourite babes and our babies. Lol, clubbing out of the blue at Rebel, the music was bad bad bad and tonight night cycling!

I hope I won't get into any accident because I didn't have enough sleep!

Okay, update again!

Love,
Sam

blessed

2010-04-08T01:46:00.003+08:00

Been really busy/lazy/whatever... LOL.

Excited about many things coming ahead!

God is good all the time, continually blessing us. :)

I don't wanna let hime down, please let me do things the right way...

Taiwan trip ahead.

New reggae classes?? :) (in process)

Part-time job soooon.

Flashmob/SDD!

Can't wait to start life anew.

i love...

2010-03-25T16:39:00.002+08:00

i love the smell of brand new leather,

the smell of a new start, a new beginning,

the smell that reminds me of city skylines and skyscrapers,

the smell that brings me present memories with you.

i love the smell of paper bags,

yes, those brown little things that you get from McD's or Starbucks.

there's something inexplicable about this smell.

perhaps it was a long lost childhood memory that i have forgotten,

but it never fails to en trail me.

i love the smell of McD's washing hand soap.

i know, i know.

as weird as it seems,

it makes me feel clean.

perhaps i am really suffering from OCD.

oh well what the heck.

you know what i dream about?

a lifestyle together,

living together,

cuddles, hugs and warm kisses.

doing the laundry,

cooking for each other.

i wonder if it's still possible?

since young, i guess the 'living alone' idea has crossed my mind many a times.

the independence,

the freedom is what i have always earned for.

until i found someone that i wanna be together with my whole life.

i have asked you,

but there were many reasons why you can't.

of cos i am a little sad and disappointed.

but i have to respect your decision, like how you respected mine.

sometimes i wonder,

are we really in for it?

or am i really alone?

there are so many differences that we have always tried to compromise with.

be it religion, upbringing, friends etc.

and we're still going strong.

and i hope we stay that way,

cos i really do love you.

you may think things have changed,

or like things are different now.

but i am still the same.

Love is Patient and kind;

it does not seek to please itself, nor does it delight in evil, but is always hopeful

transit

2010-03-25T05:04:00.002+08:00

confused.

are your words.

confused.

is my mind.

what's right or wrong,

what really matters or not.

whether you are The One or not.

i don't know what am i doing here right now.

my mind's full of...

thoughts.

lost in thoughts.

i should just sleep on it,

its the best remedy,

but somehow,

something is keeping me awake.

what do you really mean?

can you be even more vague?

i just need to know a clear answer.

love me tender

2010-03-14T01:21:00.001+08:00

what would you do if you can't stand someone?

a kind of character.

a kind of person.

you just feel like slapping him/her...?

hmmm.

these few days,

i just feel loved by you.

And I thank God for that! :)

pms?

2010-03-12T02:14:00.003+08:00

i'm tired.

i'm rash.

i say the wrong things.

i get irritated, pissed and frustrated most of the time.

I control my meals, spending, emotions and dance,

taking too much of a toll on me.

I just wanted comfort and concern,

like a nice plate of hald bbq chicken,

like a nice warm, bear hug,

like a nice act of holding my hand.

And I know, I will be better.

Gone

2010-02-28T22:55:00.002+08:00

i'm very lost.
everything's just going away from me, every single thing.
either stolen or snatched away.

i seriously think my parents made a mistake by having me.
my existence is not needed.
i can't bring them or anyone happiness.

and somehow my greatest saviour is only Him,
whom i can't seem to cry out to.

should i go away for long?
somehow i wish someone would just ask me to take a long trip away with him/her.
perhaps then i will learn to cherish my existence in my hometown.

i don't like being sensitive,
but is it a crime to be?
i was constantly a listening ear to your sorrows.
i just wished you could be mine too.

anyway, i don't think i can go to the graduation trip to phuket.
parents say:
-its expensive
-not worth it
-monsoon season (tsunami alert!!!)
-blah blah blah

If no one wants to go, shall i embark on a solo trip?
Taiwan, Japan, Korea or Hongkong?

sigh.
if only you could be here right now.

love love love

2010-02-20T20:42:00.002+08:00

I am confused...

What is love?
So many different kinds revolve around.
I just know that it has a direct link to happiness.

Samansarii wants to try living on her own.
Tee hee.
I bet I will be homesick and all, but I want to experience something that I cannot forget,
plus it will bring about many life lessons.

Oh well, I'll probably think about it after I get the job! :)

Supper with the quads were awesome!
Dim sums, trannies, cars and joyrides. :D

Biggest audition in my life tomorrow.
Really hope that I will be able to do my best.
That's the most that I can do, the rest is all up to fate/destiny,
whatever God has planned for me. :)

I can't believe I overlept for cellgroup.
Must be thr cramps,
which made me feel like puking.
I hope I will lose weight massively.
Hahahahah~

Okay, I miss my Baby very much...
We haven't kissed for so long loh!!!!
LOL.
bye.

Acceptance of a 20 year old.

2010-02-12T10:09:00.002+08:00

Some things in life I just have to accept.
I have to accept that I am not pretty and I am fat.
That's why I will not be able to get commercial dance jobs blah blah shit.

I have to accept that I am not a good dancer.
I have neither talnt or skill,
that's why I have to keep working harder than everyone else.

I have to accept that I lost touch with my secondary school friends.
I know it is impossible to go back into the circle again, when they don't even bother to invite you,
but that is how they choose this friendship to be,
and I can't do anything about it.

I have to accept that certain friends should be kept,
and not all.
if I keep giving my all to all of my friends.
I will be drained like a dried fish.

I have to accept that my family is broke,
and I have to work doubly hard for expenses and to support this family.

I have to accept that I am getting old,
and I will be soon plagued with countless illnesses,
so I gotta keep my health in shape.

I have to accept that I am backsliding,
and God is angry with me, no matter how many times a day I pray,
cos I haven't been going to Church or Cellgroup.

I have to accept this depression inside of me,
and see a psychiatrist soon.

Oh I'm 20...

2010-02-10T08:14:00.003+08:00

Boo boo boo booring.
I think I'm starting to not like birthdays, somehow it's shgeiufheifhiheifheh.
Yeah. Lol.

Oh well need to get new Lingerie soon.

Just told my Mum to not get me a cake.
Waste money.
Unnecessary.
Although I love cheesecakes/strawberry-ish cakes, but yeah...
I rather they save it for something else.

Kinda expect it'll be an unhappening day! Cos of all the COL/CNY ding dong!

Clubbing later with the girls!! :)

Feel like flying overseas alone for a day. BKK?
Oh well...

See you later, aligator!

Turning 20 in 3 days.

2010-02-07T22:37:00.002+08:00

Can't believe I am hitting the big 2 soon,
in fact every time I think of it, I feel damn grateful to my parents.
Raising me for 20 years is definitely not easy,
I am such a difficut child, must be hard on them.

Haha!

Mum, Dad, I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart and I love you to bits!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a dilemna...

I want to Dance, but I need Money.
Dance = Money.
Why?
Classes, travelling expenses, food, drinks etc etc etc.
The mountain just builds on a single thing called MONEY.

Selfish as I may be,
I want a lot of things despite being contented.
When you have this, you desire other things that you have yet to get.
Then, jealousy, hurt, anger starts forming under the branch of greed.
It is a vicious cycle that I am still trying to get rid of.
All these worldly things, are just superficial, materialistic and replaceable.

Somehow I don't feel all psyched up for my 20th birthday.
I wonder is it because I feel old? LOL.
Or is it due to the pile of work that I have had on hand for sooooo long. (Thanks tutors/lecturers!)

Maybe cos' I just am not expecting anything.
I don't wanna expect, cos I always get disappointed. :)
Like expect my Dad to buy me an iPhone 3GS (HAHA!) or Kaiwen to give me a diamond ring (totally cannot imagine.).

Okay, I bet some people like... lol, will think that I am ridiculous and stupid and will start scolding me.
Can't a girl dream?
Sometimes I really like it when I am sleeping, at least all those things give me an opportunity to wake up from. :)

I just what a girl wants is for someone to be supportive of her.
Someone that says 'I'll make you happy, your entire life.'.
A man that sheds his tear, lets down his guard and get rids of his ego for her.
:)

I JUST WANT TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE!
okay i gotta get on with reality now.
sorry for all these fragmented posts.
just writing whatever that comes to my mind.

how deep is your love?

2010-02-01T12:43:00.002+08:00

some people lead happy lives.
some people are enclosed with sadness.

some people are ignorant.
some people care too much.

some people love.
some people hate.

some people are It.
some people have fallen to success.

this world is made of many things,
many different people,
many different thoughts.

there can never be on standard fixture in life.
always a mixture,
a blend,
a concoction.

i am happy,
then i am sad.
with reasons of cause, why would i make myself unnecessarily down?

the only reason why i am stuck in this rut now,
is cos i have yet to come to terms with it.
it is painful and hurting,
it takes time for it to go away.
and with that, i can't rush it.
i need to embrace it.
and keep moving forward.

every time i feel that i have fallen to the depths of hell,
some people unknowingly pull me back up again.

groupmates,
lermeiqi,
joyce,
JJ... :D
thanks so much.

ohajshfahofhsjxcnkj

2010-02-01T00:50:00.002+08:00

In a day, we have 24 hours,
in 24 hours, we have 1440 mins,
in 1440 mins, we have 86400 seconds.

If you cannot even take a few seconds off your day to tell someone who has been waiting for you that you care about that person, you don't deserve the other party's care and concern at all.

What person makes someone wait for more than a day?
Rarely says 'I Love You',
Doesn't even try to save you when you tried asking for help?

Think about it, before you start getting angry.
Ask yourself if this is you.
Ask if you ever treated someone better.
Made the effort, despite how little time you have on your hands.
Don't just think in your context, but other party's too.

i am outcasted, forgotten,
as always.
but i will not back down,
i love certain people who truly bothered to text me to see if I am okay.
thanks, i really appreciate this.

what is a friendship/relationship/whatevership worth fighting for when you go the extra mile for someone and that person can't even be bothered about you?

time isn't something that can be bought.
and because of it, i lost some things really precious.

you can't even spare 5 mins a day for me...

this is a very fragmented post, i don't even know what i am talking about anymore. lol.

bedok market's hongkong strawberry shaved ice.
intralase lasik.
broadway dance centre - 1 year programme.
new black high cut/boots Nike.
yakuniki daidomon.
timbre.
aussie trip.
solo trip to NYC.
phuket/krabi/bali holiday.
stay in a boutique hotel.
a new cross pendant
iphone 3Gs/4G.
blackberry bold 2.
university admission - communication and media.
manual driving license.
master Japanese.
48kg.
dance opportunities - show, competitions, TVC etc.
more money.
cabin crew.

happy birthday not.

2010-01-30T02:14:00.002+08:00

this song just sums up everything.

Too many times, I have wondered
What all the tryin' is for.
You come around, I feel so down
I'm gonna drown
'Cause I know that you've fallen short

But do you know?
It doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'cause I know, that I all I want is what you got.
All I want, is what you got.

Too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, I can't provide
What I need from you, anyway

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got
Tell me that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I wanna stay I wanna stay I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way
I wanna stay I wanna stay I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know all I want is, what you got
All I want is what you got

But
this
Romantic
is
all I got

unappreciated. unloved. unwanted. unaccepted.
do i really deserve a life like this?
when will someone start coming after me?
no one did in my life.
i am replaceable.
when i think of this,
i just feel like slittling my wrist and drown in my own skin.
i'm sorry mum and dad.

wishmefebruary!

2010-01-22T22:26:00.002+08:00

All the more for a wishlist!

1. A new laptop! (MacBook anyone?)

2. iPhone 3GS/BB Bold 2 :D (okay i am dreaming for it! gotta save money, or I can just make more ibanking transactions and win it from POSB!)

3. New headphones/earphones (i have crushed my Apple ones so delicately...)

4. New boots! (to dance in! yes i want the sexy ones.)

5. New kicks? (wearing both Nikes out!)

6. A desktop (lol, so I can reinvent my room and put a study table there.. yeah right! more like to play SIMS 3!)

7. A romantic holiday for post Valentine's! :P

8. More dance opportunities! (priceless man.. these!)

9. An airticket to NYC!

10. A one way ticket to paradise/heaven. Lol.

don't judge, don't assume, just don't

2010-01-21T17:33:00.003+08:00

left out left out left out.
no matter how many times he has repeatedly told me to stop hurting myself,
but i just gotta accept the fact.
that it is what it is.

i hurt myself more then anyone, why?

if i was prettier, smarter, skinnier, have a beautiful heart.
perhaps i would love myself more.
i feel disgust that every time i look into the mirror i feel like smashing it.
or worst still removing the person that is staring back at me.

i want to achieve this yet i can't.
i want to do this yet i fear.
i want to become something and i don't know how.
this is not me... it is not me...

now i am broke and hungry,
and i am wearing thin.
it is like an emotional battle every single time.
with yourself.

3 more laps to completing 2.4!

2010-01-20T02:29:00.002+08:00

Finished my Strategic Marketing task hours ago.
Was supposed to do the collation of surveys but were delayed cos of... LOL. You know who you are.

NAPFA today was exhausting... tired!!!!!
I rather dance! Haha~

Okay, gonna shower and start studying soon!
Just had my Youtube videos therapy and it makes me happy!

OHMYTIAN!
IMC test on Thurs,
Global test on Fri,
DANCE EXAM on Sat...

I will survive!

help answered?

2010-01-17T23:10:00.001+08:00

This is really beneficial for me right now.
Daily Devotion By Pastor Kong

Must Christians Suffer?
17 Jan 2010
Then He answered and told them, “Indeed, Elijah is coming first and restores all things. And how is it written concerning the Son of Man, that He must suffer many things and be treated with contempt?” Mark 9:12

It was very difficult for the disciples to grasp the idea that their Savior would have to suffer. The Jews who studied the Old Testament prophecies expected the Messiah to be a great king like David, who would overthrow the enemy, Rome. But their vision was limited to their own time and experience.

If Jesus hadn’t suffered and died, we would have died in our sins. Through His suffering, Jesus completed the work necessary for our salvation. Through His suffering, Jesus fully identified with us. We know that Jesus understands our struggles because He faced them as a human being. We can now trust Him to help us survive our trials and overcome life’s temptations.
Suffering is one of the unavoidable passages of life.

Some people think that troubles are always caused by sin or a lack of faith. But trials are often a part of God’s plan for believers.

Jesus never promised that His followers would not suffer (Luke 21:17-19). Suffering brings a number of benefits: (1) It may be an opportunity for you to practice submission before God. (2) It can build in you character (James 1:2-4) and patience (Rom. 5:3-5). You can’t really know the depth of your character until you see how you react under pressure. (3) You start to become sensitive toward others who may also be facing troubles (2 Cor. 1:3-7). It is easy to be kind to others when everything is going well, but can you still be kind when others treat you unfairly?
God’s will is to make you mature and complete, not to keep you free from pain.

Instead of complaining about your struggles, you should see them as opportunities for growth. Often, your troubles may be a sign of effective Christian living on your part.

Finally, God does not expect us to enjoy suffering. Only days after telling the disciples to pray that they might escape persecution, Jesus Himself asked God to spare Him the agonies of the cross, if that was God’s will (Luke 22:41-42). It is abnormal to want to suffer, but as Jesus’ followers, we should be willing to suffer if by doing so, we can help build God’s kingdom. We have two wonderful promises to help us persevere when we suffer: God will always be with us (Matt. 28:20), and He will one day rescue us and give us eternal life (Rev. 21:1-4).

I will be better.

2010-01-17T22:45:00.002+08:00

Just give me the reason to scream and cry.
Just give me the reason to take flight.
Just give me the reason to hurt myself.
Just give me the reason to fall unintended.

Just give me the reason to breathe...
Just give me the reason to believe.

I am only human.

hauntings

2010-01-16T21:14:00.001+08:00

Days like this,
I am too afraid to sleep.

The present just keeps coming back to haunt me,
those sleepless nights finally kicked in.
I'm broken now,
only too worn out to be.

I finally understand why people are addicted to cough syrups.
The drowsiness hits you in the back of the head,
allowing you to fall into a dreamless sleep.

No Boundaries

2010-01-14T03:07:00.001+08:00

What I have said, I have said.
I'm going to take someone's advice and play dead. :)

Wish that James's comment was still there though. It really rock the balls off anyone!
Hahaha!

FOR YOU WHO IS SO INSISTENT ON KNOWING AN ANSWER.

2010-01-13T16:04:00.003+08:00

I really cannot take this already.
If YOU are so perfect,
such a GOOD CHRISTIAN,
such a STRONG BELIEVER.
Would you even say things like that?

YOU can quote all the bible verses in the world,
but it is so contradicting that YOU, YOURSELF are not applying it.
Look at the way YOU talk to me.

Seriously I fee it is full of crap.
YOU can talk all about me making myself to be judged.
But please la, look at the comments, I only see YOU judging me.
And why do I have to be judged by someone like YOU?

Thinking back, I remembered YOU once told me that YOU hated it when Gin judged YOU because of the past,
what the others said about you blah blah blah.
In the end? YOU still judged other people.
YOU say YOU don't care about what people think of YOU.
Yeah, just continue to be this way and best of all stop talking.
Cos why should I listen to YOUR words when YOU don't even bother listening to others?

I bet you will continue to comment like crazy after this post,
but I don't care.
I am not angry or hurt or sad or even pissed.
I just feel wronged.

Next time perhaps I should write about every single thing I prayed to God about,
then people like YOU won't judged me.
Just because YOU can't see, doesn't mean YOU can assume.

Okay in fact I should just close this with a prayer.

Dear God,
Please give me the willpower to ignore all these nonsense in my life, especially so with people who don't respect. I pray that with this obstacle that I overcomed, I will have greater revelations. Let me back into your wings again. Give me the strength to overcome these in your ways and emerge a better person.
Amen

Life measures up in an entry

2010-01-13T12:31:00.002+08:00

In life,
some people are luckier,
they have more opportunities and when you see them you this glow of happiness.

In life,
some people are left unwanted,
they are cast aside for whatever reasons and they are generally unhappy.

In life,
some people are meant to do things,
some people are meant to say things,
and some,
are just meant to be nothing.

I won't let life lead me,
cos I am the decider of my future.
For whatever God has laid in front of me, I will take it,
experience it,
get hurt,
be happy,
cry,
laugh,
smile,
and worry.
That's cos I am only human.

The only reason, why I feel like giving everything up because I feel this burden.
It sits on my shoulders like a haunting ghost.
I jst want to rid of this burden, refresh myself, prepare for it,
and when I am ready,
I will face it again.

To those that are judging my faith in God.
Let me tell you one of my new year resolutions in 2010,
which TO HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD.
Ever since last year December,
I have never once doubted Him!
I love Him more than you can imagine.
I praise Him when all is well,
I cry to Him when I am feeling sad.
I asked Him for help when I feel lost.
All these are done in my quiet time, so please stop using the past to judge who am I now.

You know what,
I am going to live my life without anyone but God dictating it.
So goodbye to all those people that will not add value to my life at all.

Thank you - the people whom i talked to for listening.
You guys have been great supports!

take this loneliness and turn it into dance

2010-01-10T22:38:00.002+08:00

i hate long bus/train rides,
or just simply taking a long walk alone.

the lonely serenade.
the meaningless thoughts.
the umpteenth assumptions.

but,
I love long bus/train rides,
or just simply taking a walk alone.

the magic in my head when i put on my ipod.
the dance that flows naturally in my mind.
the choreography that i didn't intend to do.

oh, i love you,
my dance,
my song,
my life.

melancholy

2010-01-07T01:54:00.002+08:00

i had a sudden realisation.
and i'm pretty sure it is not a good thing.

i really want to get away with someone special.
get away and breathe.

i hope the tears dry tonight.
the tears in my heart.

2010 oh 2010!

2010-01-06T03:57:00.002+08:00

a new year, a new post, a new life?

i was reading all my old entries due to this unexplainable emotional wave that swept me over.
got me thinking of someone.
someone that i used to care about very deeply.
i realised, we didn't even have much contact.
but i felt that we cared for each other deeply...
and before you know it, POOF, time flies and you guys lost contact.

so people, right noe, today,
if you have someone you truly care about and have yet to express your thanks/appreciation or even some good ol' lovin,
do it before you start regretting. :)

i guess i really did regret afterall.
i wonder how he is doing now, but that's all in the past.
looking forward to this year.

but but but...
i hope i can get to enjoy my birthday/CNY/valentine's/GEMS 5.
i am so stressed and tired that i am having a splitting headache.
okay, pictures soon.
mind, body and eye coordination got problem already...
NIGHT!

Maybe Baby

2009-12-27T09:18:00.002+08:00

I guess it is difficult for two people from different worlds to be together.
So many factors...
Say baby, how are we gonna make it through?
I wished things could be easier, like how we wanna be.
Open and free.

All time low

2009-12-14T13:18:00.002+08:00

Why are these thoughts running through my head?
Thoughts of giving up on You.
Thoughts of You not giving me enough.

I feel frustrated, angry and tired of always begging for it.
Am I not ready? Am I not good enough?
What am I working so hard for then?

I wish I can say goodbye to everything.
But I know, even when I am gone, nobody will care.
Not even You.
I am so irreplaceable that You have to think of me this way.
I am tired...

A Christmas Carol

2009-11-11T18:29:00.003+08:00

Whenever the smell of rain hits me,
the scene of streets littered with pedestrians carrying umbrellas,
reminding me... THAT CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

I love Christmas! More so than Chinese New Year (I'm only in it for the ANGPAOS. Muahahaha). However, Christmas is so different! There is warmth, love and joy in the air! Christmas the season of giving, not just materialistic goods but plain love. Hus, kisses, homemade family dinners and many more! Though the boyfriend insisted it is a commercial festial, I mean like who cares? As long as we feel the joy (Jesus was born on Christmas, so God gave this world a blessed joy!) and being surrounded by your loved ones, I think that's the bet feeling in the entire world!

I don't realy dig partying on Christmas, I would rather sit by a fireplace (In Singapore, we have to substitute with matches and candles, better still sit in front of a stove!), snuggle next to my Baby and watch a rented DVD with the entire family whilst having dinner! Nice right? I bet you all want it now! HAHAHA!

Anyway, we all know that since Christmas is nearing, the Christmas-related movies will definitely hit our shores really soon. One movie that is getting everyone excited is... A CHRISTMAS CAROL!

Synopsis:
Disney’s A Christmas Carol, the classic Dickens’ tale, is re-envisioned by Academy Award®-winning filmmaker Robert Zemeckis in a groundbreaking 3-D motion picture event starring JIM CARREY, GARY OLDMAN, BOB HOSKINS and ROBIN WRIGHT PENN.
Ebenezer Scrooge (JIM CARREY) begins the Christmas holiday with his usual miserly contempt, barking at his faithful clerk (GARY OLDMAN) and his cheery nephew (COLIN FIRTH). But when the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come take him on an eye-opening journey revealing truths Old Scrooge is reluctant to face, he must open his heart to undo years of ill will before it’s too late.

Do you know Jim Carrey plays 4 roles in this movie? I thought Lindsay Lohan would have a hard time playing 2 roles (twins) in Parent Trap, Jim Carrey! He owns all with this epic 4 roles! Woo-hoo!

The chracters he plays include:

1. Scrooge, an old miser who is the lead character of this show.

2. Ghost of Christmas Present

3. Ghost of Christmas Present

4. Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come

Interesting? Have no idea what I am talking about?
Check out the trailer!

A CHRISTMAS CAROL” OPENS IN SINGAPORE CINEMAS 19 November 2009!

EVERYONE PLEASE GO CATCH IT AND ENJOY YOUR CHRISTMAS! :D

For now, just keep living!

Selling Post

2009-10-20T00:43:00.006+08:00

All prices are quoted in SINGAPORE DOLLARS.

1. AUTHENTIC Creative Recreation - The Galow Hi in Silver and Navy, US 6 ($140)

BRAND NEW

Why so expensive?

It is out of stock and the shipping costs from USA were a bomb.

Selling it cos' it is too small for me!

2. Wild Rose Gold Embellished Wedges ($20)

Condition: Worn once (light usage) = 9.5/10

US 6.5

Selling it away cos I hardly wear it, might as well give it to a better owner.

3. Adidas Americana Mid NBA ($25)

BRAND NEW

US 7

4. Soda Black Pumps with Black heart locket, US 6.5.

Fits 6.5 and smaller.

BRAND NEW

Anyone interested please leave an email at samansarii@gmail.com or leave a message at my tagboard.

Thanks!

Social House & Bei's 21st

2009-10-11T18:48:00.016+08:00

Hello hello!

Sorry I have been away for awhile, while I am typing this, I have a sudden surge of missing Joyce! Have fun in Hongkong though~ Haha! :) Anyway, I have tonnes to update! Beifang's 21st and yesterday's night at Social House.

Okay, Social House first, I don't like the management but I love the crowd/music/people I am with. One big boo boo happened last night after the cops came for a screen check, all of us had to evacuate the club. My bag was in the locker and I went to the loo before I left the club and technically I washed my hands after that. However, during the re-entry, my entry pass on my arm got washed/sweat/wiped off, told the door bitch and the bouncer that my bag was inside already, they don't give a damn, told me to pay for my entry again! LIKE WTF! Even if I pay, may bag is inside, how am I supposed to get it? Anyway, thank God for this guy who had an extra entry and I managed to get in! :)

Let's wait for pics from Kat and Ahlee from last night!

Okay, Bei's 21st below!

Her favourite M&Ms on the walls!

Her cake! It was delicious~

Her entire family!

Haha we decided to mess around and...

HAHAHAHA! It was fun with all these people!

la vie en rose

2009-10-05T00:08:00.002+08:00

everything has changed.
my position, my thoughts, my life.

i wonder.
i really wonder.
is there meaning to this at all?

for the past two years of my life, every since I accepted Christ,
so many things have changed.

every time i reflect, i still wonder, what there is in store for me left.
i don'tknow if i want it anymore.

ahhh. so complex.

i don't know how to put this

2009-09-26T23:27:00.002+08:00

You know how it feels like to be balancing on the edge of the road shoulder, you have to look ahead and be very straight and still. Walking with confidence on this long narrow road ahead. I feel like that now, minus the confidence and I am stumbling all over. I hopeits cos' I am tired, PMSy and all the shit. I don't get it, why do I have to constantly put down myself every time when the period's nearing? It is a vicious cycle that I am sick of.

I wished I had more friends, good friends, best friends, whatever. I know I am not very sociable, neither am I initiative, plus I have this major traffic jam face. It just refuses to soften. I ain't pretty, neither am I slim, I am straightforward (tone down al lot already loh!) and not many people like that. I wish my social circle will broaden and for me to open up more. I don't know why I always clam up whenever I see people, I get nervous and eh yeah... So if you wanna make friends with me, I am pretty open! Haha, like self advertising.

This week was a really lonely one, thanks to Ah Lee Lee and Beibei for spicing up my weekends. I really gotta thank Ah Lee for inviting me to the OTT gathering with the other girls, it was the first time this week I had so much fun! Thanks you all~ Beibei, thanks for hanging out with me today! Sigh sigh, now money issues are a big problem!

OH YEAH! Speaking of which, ReVogue, the payment is here, so can someone text me their account number so I can transfer one of you the money? We transfer one by one can? If not will be very taxing on me. Okay, you all don't read this blog anyway. Hahaha!

2 more days! Hope my baby can pacify me for the whole of the next few weeks. My love supply, happiness supply, comfort supply and money supply. LOL! Kidding. I just want him to accompany me. One week was long! :)

Okay, I love the 6 readers who read my blog today. LOL.

Bunny hop out~

6 days more to You and I

2009-09-22T10:18:00.003+08:00

These days past so slowly, like how the long nights of winter are coming to stay, like the wait of the maiden, for her soldier to return.

Week 3 of the intership and I am already looking forward to more holidays and the week of Week 16. Goodness, I don't even know if I am able to survive the working world right now. I mean, I am able to do my tasks and such, but I wished hours can be more flexible and the environment more fun. Seeing how a company works makes me wanna be a student forever! Geez, I shall stop complaining and get on with the next 72 days.

Yesterday was Karaoke madness at Beibei's! Okay at least I was mad and enjoying myself, my lungs were getting a breather which I felt rather refreshed for the start of the week! Okay, back to Beibie... It was her 21st big bash, I realised I forgot to hug her :( Major booboo! The food was awesome, the cake was dope and the company was great! I hoped she had a great time despite being so busy and uncoordinated! Lol. 21st birthdays are so expensive. I'm gonna work hard and save all my money so that I will be able to pay for it!

Anyway, Daddy bought me my new phone! I owe my parents alot of money now. $480 to my Mum, $178 to my Dad, so much so that I am going to get a 3rd job! Meiqi (thank God for her!) asked me if I wanna tuition a Primary One kid English, and I was like "Okay!". It's near my place and the time slots are flexible! Yeah! If I have that job, I will be holding on to three jobs now! Whoa! I need to be a superwoman soon!

Aside from all those worldly issues, I find myself questioning the relationships that I have. No matter where I go, I will never fit in. Always the "extra" in any group of friendships that I have. Even though I tried my best to put in effort in all of them, but somehow, people will not remember me. It is always them and some other people, them and someone else. I am not saying this out of hurt/feelings or what. I just took a sit back and observed everything that's going around me. I really feel that the only people who will be at my funeral is my family... and perhaps Kaiwen. I don't know how to say this, I just felt that it does not matter who I bother about anymore. Cos' no matter what, that person will find someone else in the end. Guess my true friends are the ones that will bother to understand all this shit? Haha. I don't even get it in the end. Oh well, this is Life.

hahahehehoho

2009-09-18T22:55:00.004+08:00

Hey all, it's Week 2 of SIP and I can't wait for it to end already!

So much for being committed and such. I mean I love my job, the environment, the people and the freedom to do things. However, I dread waking up early and stoning after lunch. I don't know... Won't you guys feel sleepy after lunch? I will feel like taking a nap, but I feel so unproductive after that time, my heavy eyelids seemed to have a mind of it's own. I can't help but say, I am so jealous of Joey and Andy! One gets to go on a company trip to Taiwan, the other will get the incentive of return Hongkong flights! Ugh! Me wants to go on a holiday too!!!!!!!!!! Take me away please! With people I love and care about that is! :)

Hurhurhur. Tomorrow will be a looooong day. Teach the kids in the early afternoon, head to Advance Class hiphop @ TP thereafter, Cellgroup/Church... BEFORE I CAN MEET MY BABY! Heh. I miss him so much. Even though we see each other at times for dinner etc, we are, or at least I am too tired to talk and happy enough to just see him and hold his hand! Can we makeout soon?!?!? LOLOLOLOLOL.

Okay, I gotta save money. I reckon expenses this month will be pretty high as I'll be getting a new phone. Really want a Blackberry Bold, but if it's too expensive I guess the Nokia E71 should be fine. :) Daddy surprised me by saying he'll go check out from his friends how much it'll cost. I wonder... If I really can afford it. Ugh. Save money now!! I still have $480 outstanding credits to my Mum. I wanna save for Graduation Trip too. I guess it's tough as I really want to support myself in terms of basic expenses. Hmmm.

Okay, time out! Watching Sun Live @ Facebook now!!!!!!!!!!! Wee~

in despair

2009-09-13T22:12:00.000+08:00

I am not angry.
I am hurt, upset and insecure.
I couldn't do anything about it just now as I still had to be professional and teach.

Insecurity sets in, I ain't thinking too much, it's just that certain things that was said and done made it this way.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better day for you and me. :)

This song expresses how I feel.
Ahn Trio - All I Want

Too many times, I have wondered
What all the tryin' is for.
You come around, I feel so down
I'm gonna drown
'Cause I know that you've fallen short

But do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'cause I know, that I all I want is what you got.
All I want, is what you got.

Too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, I can't provide
What I need from you, anyway

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay

But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay

But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know
Aall I want is, what you got
All I want is what you got

But this
Romantic
is all
I got

the 'think too much' relationship blues

2009-09-11T09:41:00.004+08:00

I don't know if it's cos I'm tired or what. I find myself thinking about my relationship more often than not. So I decided to try out one of Facebook's more frequently used applications "What does God wants you to know..?", and I got the answer.

On this day of your life, Samantha, we believe God wants you to know...
... that every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging.

That's really it, isn't it? You want your relationships to be grounded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish. Which one of these is the more difficult one for you, and how are you going to practice it in the next 24 hours?

Hahaha!
Time to move on for the day, not think so much, trust him and support him! :)

I love God and I love Kaiwen!

BLOODY HELL

2009-09-07T15:39:00.000+08:00

I'm so bloody pissed with myself.

There was SIP lauch today on 7th September, the event starts at 9.15am and we had to be seated by 9.30am. Okay, I noted that down and I planned to sleep early anyway, I went to bed at about 9pm on Sunday and recall setting the alarm at 7am.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFED UP ME.

I overslept.

I jolted awake at 9.35am and I started panicking/crying/hurling abuses/throwing all my stuff on the floor. I wanted to stab myself in my head and fling that lifeless body into an ocean of piranhas. HOW CAN SOMEONE SLEEP FOR MORE THAN 12 HOURS?!?!!?

Luckily, I met Paul Ng and had the courage to go into the LT. I was so angry with myself to the extend that I was unable to forgive myself for sleeping so long. Pissed off. Anyway, it has already passed, I don't know if I'll get an academic penalty or whatsoever, I'm just even more angry when I hear that. I don't understand.

SHITTYASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I just wanna thank my baby for being there for my tecnologically via mobile. Lol. I was in a mess and he told me not to worry. Even though he isn't the most romantic/sweetest/thoughtful/sensitive boyfriend, he tries to be there whenever possible. For this I thank him with all my heart.

GLEE

2009-09-02T12:36:00.004+08:00

Yay! Thanks to Ayozi's help I managed to get my blogger alive and kicking again!

WOOTS!

However, I still can't seem to be able to post photos on the site. So bear with it for a lil longer while I try and play around with html codes and cache issues.

For now, enjoy this stupid plain blog!

pissed

2009-09-02T02:25:00.000+08:00

Before I start getting fucking pissed.
I just wanna say, you can say whatever you like.
Please KNOW the details and the entire situation before you make a judegement on something/someone.

I feel pissed cos I have to reschedule an event on Friday for the third time in a row because of...
Yeah, of cos no one knows about it cos as usual I didn't say.
I just don't feel the need to, I don't have to tell every single person I meet what I am about to do.
However, this will lead to a lot of misunderstandings and what not and I am fucking pissed because of that.
It's like I have to sacrifice for something and yet...
What about the others? Why do we always have to do it your way?

I'm just mad that sch things can happen, when it can be avoided.
I am also mad at myself for saying selfish things in the heat of the moment.
ANGER MANAGEMENT!

By the way, can someone tell me what's wrong with blogger?
It's fucked up too!

Okay recital results are out I don't know whether to be glad or sad?
Seriously.
I just feel that some people are just lucky and I am gonna hibernate and not FUCKING SHARE ANYTHING ANYMORE SINCE NO ONE BOTHERS TO HELP AND MY RELATIONSHIP IS GOING FINE THANK YOU.

the road to solitution

2009-08-30T14:12:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to say.
For something like this that shouldn't have happened.
It's like everything that built up, went all the way back to square one again.

Nobody bother to see, just sticking to their own opinions and actions.
Sometimes, I really don't see a point in it.
I don't know why I keep allowing myself to get pulled in.

Just imagine, the things you said and done to someone you love,
and that moment was the deciding factor to make or break it,
it could have been your last with the other party.

Why don't people take chances in that moment?
Grab hold of opportunties, instead of living life in regret.
I want to make the most of life, before it gives up on me.

I'm planning for the future already, I don't know if it'll happen,
but I know for certain parts of my life, I am unsure if it'll stay the same.

I read this book by James Patterson just the other day,
Suzanne's Letters for Nicholas.
It touched my heart, I recall the book saying.
In life, there is a rubber ball and the rest of them are glass balls.
What are the glass balls?
Health. Family. Friends. Relationships.
Rubber ball?
Work.
Dropping one glass ball means shattering everything, but the rubber ball will always bounce back no matter what.
Okay, I know I don't explain things well, but I hope you guys who read understand what I am trying to say.

I think it just hurts when the people that matters most in your life do not bother at all.
Ah, freakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

blah 2

2009-08-29T01:50:00.002+08:00

I've been pretty busy lately and I have many things to update about, for example Bangkok Trip 2009, filming for KFC commercial, training for Hair Show showcase, hanging out with JJ at Orchard Central etc.

I am just too tired and plain lazy to do it right now, just wanna muck around in bed, fall asleep and live in my dreams. I really hate this part right here, this period of moodswings just before my period starts. Moodswings + Tired = VERY PMSY. I still know how to control la, but I feel so uneasy and frustrated all the time. I have tried very successfully to keep my cool, except for that one time with Mum, I completely blew up and WW3 almost occurred.

I can't stand it when people touch my things now.
I hate it when the Boyfriend 'plays' with other girls.
Can't take it when he doesn't give in to me (very selfish i know).
I will get pissed when I talk about irritating people.
Can't stand some people.
Cannot stand myself even more.
ARGH.

Okay, I must just psycho myself to think that periods are a good thing.
Hurhurhur.

I feel so unloved.

All the best to Appendix D and the other TPDE teams!

Life

2009-08-22T17:09:00.000+08:00

i guess the reason why i was afraid to come back is because i was afraid of this.
i forgot to breathe again.
i wonder is it because i felt so relaxed there,
the problems/work related issues back home are just stressing me out.
i get scared when i gasp for air later.
how can i not breathe?

people just don't appreciate the things they have for now.
yes, you can have a lot of things,
that are too complicated and too tough for you to handle,
but when someone is gone,
regret wouldn't bring you anywhere.

you might think that person/thing will always be here.
but that isn't the case,
people move on,
things depreciate over time.
why can't you just make the most of what you have now?

sometimes, waiting isn't the best option at all.
don't take things for granted.
love someone wholeheartedly,
not just based on words,
but through actions and sincerity.

the unfortunate past

2009-08-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

everytime i read about your past,
about what she writes about you,
and all that you had done for her,
i think about the times you told me your feelings for her.

i wondered why i didn't step in first?
perhaps cos everyone will be and was on her side,
making me feel insignificant,
like i shouldn't belong,
where there isn't space for me.
the insecurity sets in,
and all i can think about is what will happen from now on.

i don't know.
what matters most is that we're together now.

SAWADEE BANGKOK!

2009-08-18T22:50:00.002+08:00

HELLO EARTHLINGS! SAWADEEKA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greetings from Bangkok! We are all doing good, but we miss everyone back home. Except for Kat and Sayliang of cos, they have each other here!

Anyway, I feel that I have put on weight despite the amount of spicy food I have consumed for the past three days! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to lose weight like crazy when I get back home.

Another funny thing, Meichin and I are the only ones in the Cybercafe typing away like crazy! Tryng to make the most of our time and BAHT here!

Okay, shall post more when I get back home.

And, if you guys miss me just text me okay! It's nice to see people texting me when I am in a foreign land, especially someone who didn't even bid me goodbye nor texted me till I asked Joyce to ask him to!!!! :(

Hahaha! I love you baby.

I just feel so insecure right now... Hmm.

RCA tomorrow and perhaps Khao San!

Bye bye! :)

BANGKOK CALLING!

2009-08-16T01:20:00.001+08:00

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Samansarii's big travel day is finally here!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE GOING TO BANGKOK IN 5 HOURS TIME!

So eggciting! :)

Okay, this blog will be dead for awhile, not as if it's very happening here.
See you mamacitas and papas!

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND, FRIENDS AND FAMILY! :)

WHY WHY WHY WHY?

2009-08-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

When I started this post I wanted to vent all my anger in here.

Now, all I can think about, or should I put it in another way, are all the worries that build up inside my puny head.

It is not that I do not have faith in myself or my life. It is a next phase now, how will I get about doing it?
Seriously, I don't know how am I gonna keep up with it.

This is the reason why I cannot let life lead me and just be merry and smile. This is the reason why I have some reasons, likes/dislikes of doing things. This is also the reason why, nobody can understand me and some people actually dislike me for it as they think I am stubborn. The thing is, they don't understand what I am going through and I do not blame them for it. This is life. I cannot please everyone, everyday I try my best just to please myself and the people I love. Yes, that is my priority, therefore my mind has no other space for other people/friends who are acquaintances. Sorry, but it is true. If I cannot make it up to myself and my close ones, least to say for the other people.

Everything seems so difficult now, I wanna dance. I can dance, but the body fails my thereafter. Multiple health problems start to rise and it is difficult to even just stand without my mind spinning/blanking out now. Financially, I am trying to get more jobs, it is tiring and shit. I am trying! I really need the money, to support myself so that I will not be a financial burden to my parents. Does anyone understand? I am also constantly under pressure in this family, I have to do well in school, mediate the relationship between my parents and lighten the financial load. I am trying my best, can anyone see it? No. Okay, I sound like I am complaining here, but I just need to release it somewhere that I will not get into trouble. Kaiwen seems so far away now. Everyday we have little or no communication at all. I totally understand that since he is joining Suntec, he will not have additional time to accompany me. In fact, I want to be supporting him all the way and I really hope they make it to the finals and bring glory to TPDE once more! GO GO GO! However, I cannot help but feel lonely. We talk for at most 15 minutes on rare occasions, text once a day at most? He is always busy and I am supposed to be studying, not thinking of him.

OK STOP!

I shall quiit drowning in my misery and start doing something.

I will get another job, yes my third job to support myself.
I will do well for tomorrow's paper.
I will not have thoughts that Kaiwen is cheating on me. (Okay, I had before.)
I will be faithful to him no matter how long we have not talked.
I will Dance my heart out.
I will always remember the people who appreciate me and love me, yes all my dear friends!!!

Goodnight Folks~

ugh

2009-08-13T01:24:00.001+08:00

I CAN"T EFFING BREATHE PROPERLY!

Please tell me I am just hyperventilating.
Mum's forcing me to the clinic tomorrow. :(

I AM FREAKING HEALTHY!

:(

Long Weekend

2009-08-11T01:58:00.004+08:00

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I've had a crazy weekend.

Let me see, Friday, went for an interview, doubt I will get it though, the girls are super competitive, somehow I want it cos' I need income! Headed to Dempsey for the first time after that, visited Spa Espirit to my wax. I am hairless now, double yay! Went to look for Meiqi after that. I swear Ion LOVEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS me. I walked for about 15mins before I found Burger King and another 15mins to get out of that friggin' place! It's huge and nice, but I hate the crowd! Headed to opposite SMU's 7-11 to look for the Boyfriend after that, chat and went home.

Saturday, taught class to a bunch of kids. Headed to Expo for evening Church service, off to Far East to meet a couple of cool kids. Watched Orphan, the movie is seriously disturbing, half the time I was covering my eyes with a hoodie and my fingers were stuck in my ears. Didn't bring my keys so I bunked in Kevin's house with JJ. I slept first before they headed to Dreamland. :)

Sunday, got up at 9am, prepared for Sentosa outing. Had tonnes of fun! Love, love, love! Slept like a baby after that.

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache and the ache goes right down to my lower back. Not a good feeling at all. Felt sick the entire day, coughing, aching, puking. Ugh.

Need to study soon, I spent the entire day recuperating from the tiresome weekend. On a lighter note, I am heading to BKK this Sunday! Can't wait to leave Singapore and shop like a fanatic.

Okay ciao!

Weird

2009-08-06T21:56:00.000+08:00

My body's weird.

Period's been here for almost a week.
Usually it last about 5 days?

I don't know what's wrong.
Stress?
Too much alcohol?
Lack of sleep?
Loss of appetite?
WHAT?!?!

I'm getting really irritated.

To someone I know, I am happy yet sad at the same time when I found out you have someone else in your life.
Hmmm.
Though this weird mix of feelings, I will give you my blessings. :)

Land of Smiles

2009-08-05T00:13:00.002+08:00

It's been some time I have anything happy to write about.

The end semester tests are coming, this Thursday and Friday as well as the last paper on 14th of July to be exact. Oh well, all is good. I have been pretty diligent in my revision and am mugging the entire afternoon in school till the lab closed. Things have been going well. I feel much better now after Friday. It's good that I have someone that I can relate to, who understands and tries her best to guide me. Thank you Gin.

The next good news is....

I AM GOING TO BANGKOK!

I know! It is so sudden. I reckon it'll be a good getaway for me. To take a timeout and just relax and have fun, doing what girls do best... SHOPPING & EATING!!! I'll be away from the 16th to 20th August! Don't miss me much. Luckily, I have my flygirls Chin and Kat to accompany me, okay okay I never forget about Sayliang! HAHAHA~

I am so eggcited for the trip. Can't believe we are actually going on holiday! Initially we were just casually talking about it and now all the plans are put into place! I cannot wait for it to happen!

Before that, I need to do well for my papers and work hard in teaching my dance students! Really thankful to God that this trip is finally surfacing! Thank you!

Hmm.. on a sidenote, naval piercing anyone?

clarification

2009-07-30T13:33:00.000+08:00

Just to clarify things that people might assume.

We did not fight/argue/get pissed at each other.
There are just too many misunderstandings now that caused this relationship to turn sour.
The issue was not about us at all, it was just a problem that I have.
However, neither party spoke clearly to clarify the misjudgement causing us to blame each other.

I don't understand why we always go through this.
The reason being that we think we will stay by each other's side forever, has blinded the fact that none of us made the effort to change ourselves for each other.
He had to change his bad habits, being late, laziness, showing more concern and taking initiative.
I have to change my ways too, less possessive, less sensitive and change my personality.

I know some people, me included, will think why do we have to change for each other?
I really did accept him for who he is wholeheartedly, just that all these nitpicking resulted in the inability to do so.

Somehow when I see change, I feel that I cannot be myself anymore.
I have to be aware of what I say, what I do.
Not just to him, but my friends, because, everyone else will be judging.

I don't know if you will be angry when I post this.
I just want to clarify things with people, do not misunderstand that we got a fight etc.
It was a misunderstanding between both of us and we just had to trash things out.

I didn't know how long this relationship will last.
I once thought it was very stable and I was certain that he is the one.
Now, we're hanging on a thin line.
None of us are trying anymore, perhaps we are both tired and both of us want to pursue our personal goals.

God has played a very cruel joke on me and I am only blaming myself for that, because I did not know how to handle it.
So to everyone who hates me, you guys should be rejoicing right now.
I brought my own downfall.

I don't expect Kaiwen to love me anymore, neither do I expect him to tell me so.
I never once expected anything from this relationship.
Him yes, but not this relationship.
I just purely wanted his love and to give him my love.

I just have to pick up the pieces and move on.
Sometimes, I really do wish that he could hold my hand and tell me not to be silly, he'll always be here to love me.
But, the sometimes are just my own wishful thinking.

Funny how I am typing this, tearing silently and my mother is snoring beside me. O.O
Hahaha!

Somehow, deep inside of me,
I wish all these never happened.
Yes, it makes the relationship stronger, only when both parties are willing to work it out.
I just hope that this time around, we will really be there for each other.
Making this work the second time around.

All I can do now is to pray for good times ahead.
I will disappearing for awhile now to recollect my thoughts.

I just hope you will be there, my love.

tired

2009-07-30T02:35:00.000+08:00

i finally know why people get depressed.
the mind and the people around them are oblivious to it.
i don't know what to do anymore.

actually, i have been thinking.
it doesn't really matter if i die young.
i won't regret it.
i am not suicidal or anything.
i just can't seem to see my future ahead.

is there someone here for me?

i don't know if i can carry on anymore.

you might think i'm stupid blah blah blah.
maybe i really am.
i am at my wits end.
i don't even know myself anymore.

goodbye.

Of swollen eyes and shrinking hearts.

2009-07-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

Today I spent my time with Joey, Jean and T.Didi. Lol.
It was fun! I laughed so much that I think my stomach shrank! Awesome~
Heard a lot of issues, I hope it this will enlighten the seniors and make them solve the problem instead of just listening and not taking action.
Really glad that some of them are serious about this!

Next...

I don't know to laugh or to cry. I'm happy yet hurt by the action.
Just makes me wonder, is my existence on earth worth anything at all?
I was bawling my eyes out in the shower just now, I kept questioning myself.
Why are my opportunites always taken away? Why do people take me for granted?
Is my existence on earth making an impact on people at all?
I just feel so invisible.
I can only talk to myself here, since no one reads! LOL.
I am a nobody...
In fact, I don't feel like existing here anymore.

Everyday my heart grows smaller and smaller,
everyday someone breaks my trust and moves on with their lives,
leaving me stuck behind.
Everyday, i only tell myself to love myself.
I am fucking sick of getting hurt.
Why is God doing this to me????????????

I can only remain true, trusting everyone all the time.
Too easily.
I am always like that.

And... what do I get?

HURT.

(i am not talking about my boyfriend.)
(just to clarify.)
sighs.

Thanks JJ for your words and somehow you're always around to listen to me rant, Joey for your Beard Papa & NicoleClaire for the MAC Eyeliner and Star studds from BKK! :)

MJ Dance Tribut & Timbre: Substation

2009-07-27T00:18:00.004+08:00

Just got back from dinner with my girls at Timbre: Substation. Frankie came and join us to meet Joyce, his baby! :D
Food was good, beer was not awesome. HAHAHAHA!

I really like the Duck Pizza! It tastes really fragrant and just like what you get from roasted duck stores, just in a pizza form!
Yum yum.

Oh! The seafood pizza was great too. Mussels, prawns and squid! My favourite three. (Okay dear Oyster, I will not forget you!!!!)

Had Erdinger White Beer, frankly I'm not a beer person. Just to go along with the crowd, I shared a pint with Bei.
It's awful! I hate the bitter taste, it makes me contort my face in the weirdest ways.
I realised I have a habit of putting my food/drinks in my mouth first to fully taste the thing that I am eating.
Thus, making beer drinking an awful experience.
However, this beer is defi nitely one of the better ones I have tasted, the more I drink it, the better it tastes! So it's alright after awhile. :D
The funny thing was, it got us really red, like a lobster and some what high and ticklish.
We just kept laughing alot, if I'm not wrong.

Joey was the reddest!!!! I can see her redness in the dark. Imagine how red she will look under light! Joyce didn't drink much at all, her sips amount to 1/4 of a cup. LOL.
Serene and Bei are the weird drinkers, they got weird.
Meichin the alcoholic seemed to have held her liquor well! :)

It's really fun hanging out with them, would love to do this more often soon!
Next up is Holland Village if I'm not wrong! :)

By the way for all Michael fans out there, I received this message on Facebook!
A MJ tribute flashmob! How cool eh! Read, learn, dance and join the fun!
More details will be up soon! :)

---------------Message (from Flashmob Vivocity)-------------
1) Michael Jackson Dance Tribute30th July 2009 (Thurs),6.45pm to 7pm, GV

Note: You DO NOT need to have any dance experience. You just need to know how to have fun!

Similar to:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVJVRywgmYM

Actual Dance Segment to Practise (4th minute to 4 minutes 20 seconds)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WObfcDIf6lY

Reward: 1 GV movie ticket per participant

Rehearsal: There will be a dance rehearsal for those who are interested; it should be on a Tues or Wed night, but venue and timing is pending. A facebook group invite (with full details) will be sent out on Monday night. So for those whose friends are interested too, keep a lookout!2)

Mission:Singapore Flash Mob (The Longest Queue)15 August 2009, 2:30pm - 4:30pm
Join the facebook group "Mission: Singapore (M:SG)" for more details!

----------------------END OF MESSAGE------------------------
I'm so going for this event! Anyone with me? :D

Soul Mate

2009-07-26T03:55:00.000+08:00

Today during Cellgroup, Kenny asked us to write down who we think of as a bestfriend.
I thought for a moment, yet I could not pen down any name.
Yes, I did think of many people, all of whom I considered as my bestfriend.
However, it just isn't the same.
Soulmate where are you?
The person that I thought was once my soulmate, turned out to be a fraud.
Hmmm.
I need an answer.

Rahhhhhhhhhhh.

2009-07-25T03:44:00.003+08:00

I hate it when people run away from me.
Makes me wanna do the same to them too.
Especially so when they hide and know that you're still here.
They just wanna get away from you without facing it.
I'm so freaking tired of this.
So next time when I run and hide from you, you can't blame me.
Cos' you're doing the same to me too.

When you tell me you're happier spending time with other people, it makes me not want to carry on anymore.

Relax, Choya!

2009-07-19T02:32:00.003+08:00

Hello People~

I'm finally having some free time to do some blog update! Okay, I kinda completed my Sales Management Project. Stressing I tell you! It's terribly horrible, the past few days that I have been rushing for the project. I think only those people in marketing can understand this tormented process! Hahaha~

Anyway, I'm here to advertise that our Lorencia & Chong has set up a new store! It's fun, quirky, unique and colourful! HappyBurgers is set up over dinner at Aston's one night by the two lovable people and they are set to bring in not just apparels but knick knacks from all over! Please support them! Their stuffs are selling fast! I already missed out on the Black Kimono Top which I really really love! Collection 2 will be coming out soon y'all! Show some love and support!

Okay, I seriously need to do some shopping now. I am contemplating whether I should purchase Creative Recreation shoes from Karmaloop or save it for a Bangkok Trip! What do you guys suggest? I want them both, but you know in life you make choices! Alot of stuff that I need to get now:

Perfume

BB Cream

Slippers

HOLIDAY

SHOPPING

Hahaha! All material goods! heh, but shopping makes us happy yeah!

Oh by the way, my back's half a goner. Seems like my old problem is back again and I need time to recuperate. Hmmm. What a time!

Things to do on a weekend so busy.

2009-07-18T02:05:00.003+08:00

- Complete Sales Management Project
- Complete D.I.C Assignment 2
- See Doctor for back & skin
- Visit to Kinokuniya
- Have a nice dinner
- Go for Cellgroup
- Go to Church
- Dance ministry training
- WATCH HARRY POTTER! (anyone wanna go?)

Facts about Sam (whoisgonnakillherselfifshedoesnotgooutandhavefunnow)

2009-07-17T18:10:00.002+08:00

I haven't left my laptop/house in 48 hours.
I have been living on a do project, eat, sleep basis for 2 days.
I have yet to take a shower for 12 hours.
I did not have any fun since Wednesday.

I am going crazy in 9825973702137070370270 MILLISECOND.

SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life

2009-07-16T02:22:00.002+08:00

I find myself struggling to sleep every night.
Whatever position that I sleep it, it is just so darn uncomfortable that I will toss and turn for hours before falling asleep on my bed.
During that unfortunate time, I will be thinking about Life.
Dance, Relationships, Religion, Money, School, Health.
Everything just seems to flood my mind within that time span.

It's difficult now.
Everything seems so different.
When I look back and see, I find myself being happy most of the time during the early stages of Poly life.
I'm not saying I ain't happy now, it's just that things change.
I don't quite understand this part, is it cos I was just plainly following my ambitions?
Simple-minded, living the life that I never experienced?
Just plainly naive and enjoying every single moment of it?
Hmmm. I don't quite know the answer.

I'm struggling with the fact that,for how long my body will be able to sustain me if I were to pursue a dance career.
Can I make it?
Will I be able to afford risking everything for it?
Can I support my family?

Then it draws down to the relationships that I have.
Am I a good friend?
Am I loving my boyfriend right? Am I not treating him well enough?
Am I a bad daughter?

Next I would start thinking about my religion.
Why am I always backsliding?
Why am I not able to discipline myself?
Am I suitable to be a Christian?

In fact, I ask myself a million questions before I sleep and somehow my dreams seem to pass me fast.

Can someone give me an answer?
I wish I can have all these routes, which I can't see, drawn out on paper.
Telling me, what I can do, the options in my life when one fails.
I have been prcrastinating time and again to answer everything in my heart.
So afraid to face it.
It is like a permanent fear, haunting me like a ghost.

How much time do I have left?
I just need motivation right now, the gung-ho spirit of "Just whack la!".
It's impossible though.
This is LIFE I am talking about.
Not just some performance on stage, that I can full out 100% and rest later on.
I can't full out in Life, even if I could, how long will it last?

I just need more time to sort out my thoughts, feelings and make a decision.
I just hope my 'easily bored' character wouldn't turn appear.
If not this thing will just keep dragging on and on and on and on.
Yeah, like how can a person be easily bored right?!?!
But, I am such a person.
I get tired of things easily, that's why I always wanna do something, be on the go.
If not I will feel, stagnant, useless or like I am wasting precious time.
So please understand this if I am in any kind of relationship with you (eg. Friends, Boyfriend, Family).

I think this time, it's really changing.
All my decisions now will affect what I am going to do thereafter.
So please God, let me make the right decisions.
All these things, are so darn important to me.

Soul Searching

2009-07-12T22:36:00.007+08:00

losing herself in this rapture.
every move she makes,
every step she takes,
its a dance of danger.

I just deleted the entire entry that I wrote.
It's way too depressing right now.
I think I'd like to take a break from all these.
I can't and I won't understand.
Cos I ain't you and I don't know what I am to you.

I feel pretty helpless right now.
It's just a phase.
I'm saying goodbye to now,
I'm sorry.

p.s i think you guys probably wouldn't understand what I'm blabbering about. haha!

Bittersweet Faith by Bitter:Sweet

No regrets
Everything will work out fine
We'll hold our breath
Wait for another sign
I've tastedYour bittersweet faith
My heart aches for you
I'm taking
A moment to say

Everything I do
I do for you
I do it all for you

Lay your sweet
Tears across my broken dream
Don't you speak
A word about the past
You'll need more than I'll ever give
I can't lie to you
I love you
My angel, my sin

Everything I do
I do for you
I do it all for you
Anything, anything for you

Are we're moving in the right direction
What is fate if fate's immersed in shame
A high price for the beauty of perfection
I go when all I want to do is stay

I do for you
I do it all for you
Anything, I do it all for you
Anything for you

CAW CAW CAW! Crows are flying past this barren land.

2009-07-10T00:07:00.003+08:00

Too many things happened recently till I lost track of days, time and even the month.

Yeah, Jim Beam Dance Competition is over! I am so glad actually! Can relax and chill now, my entire body was screaming "GIVE ME A BREAK!" on the finals, had bad cramps after that before my 'late' period came. Muahahaha~

Now I am in the misdt of a project rush hour! Three assignments due next week! How am I gonna survive? Plus plus plus, I want to improve in dance again! Just feel like I lost everything that I had acquire during the past weeks. Hmmm... Must make time, die die must make time!

Ugh. Haven't been sleeping well recently, PMS + cramps = Insomnia.

Okay, I shall update some pictures over the weekend, I am having a major laziness syndrome. Someone get me outta it!

i don't know if you people can comprehend,
when you love someone,
you just wanna be with that person 24/7.

tht's the way love goes.

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
dont know when I'll be back again
oh babe, I hate to go.

pissed

2009-07-06T11:35:00.001+08:00

You are at the centre of a controversy in your family today. Normally you avoid being the centre of attention, but here you may have no choice. You don't have to live up to other people's demands and expectations. Being true to your right path is the only choice, and only you can decide what is right now.

So effing true.

I seriously can't stand you. What mother hurts her child verbally and physically. You always think that I am trying to give you more problems, but seriously, you are the one.

Effing think too much, do you think I have so much time to think of ways to cause you trouble?

IDIOT.

2009-07-05T21:02:00.002+08:00

Every time during this month, I ask myself, have I ever loved you?
I think the answer is still negative.

How can I love someone I harbour so much hate.

Fuck.

I don't understand why you always do this to ruin my life, I really wanna grow up fast and leave sooner because of you.

I don't want you in my life, no matter how much I need you. I don't think I deserve this, fucking me up out of the blue when I did no wrong. Seriously, I just want some peace and quiet, but you always have to ruin it.

I hate you, every time I try, you just have to spoil it.
This time around, I am not gonna try anymore.

butired (busy + tired)

2009-07-04T13:53:00.002+08:00

Hello World!

Sorry for being away for so long, I have been pretty busy with Jim Beam Dance Competition, IJ Submissions and Projects! So much so that I have been suffering from fatigue and lack of sleep. The rest day I had on Monday was amazing, I slept, wake up do Ij, sleep, do IJ, sleep, eat and then sleep again. The best day of the week so far.

Anyhoo, congrats to The Epic Crew for being Champions this year, I am really happy for them!!! Even though I feel a little bitter for not winning anything, because of all the hardwork we put into, but I am so glad at least TPDE won something! Really proud of them, now we can show others what we can really do! Especially to all those doubters!

After the event, we stayed and clubbed for a bit, saw many interesting stuffs. Guys in cropped tops and tight fit pants doing their thing, a couple that SHOWED too much and TOUCHED too much and the best of the best would be seeing Xuehui and gang high! LOL. It was hilarious, like suddenly they feel so carefree, like a bird stuck in its cage for too long, suddenly tasting freedom. Funny man! Cannot imagine if Gin was there, ohmygoodness, HAVOC? Wish i could video it down, but I was too busy laughing!

Don't know why I feel damn lousy now, I wonder if all this is adding up to the fact that my period is 2 days late. I just feel like shit and not good enough for anything right now. I wonder when will be my time, all these times of hardwork and sweat is just not enough. I know I have to get over this obstacle again, but after not meeting my expectations time and again, I really question myself, am I good enough? I feel lousy and just bad, I don't know if I can make it as a dancer next time. I know I will be able to pick myself up, but when the next time comes again, I will just be stuck in a rut like this time.

God give me an opportunity.

:(

2009-06-30T02:24:00.001+08:00

Is this all?

Sighs.

sick

2009-06-29T18:59:00.001+08:00

Fever. Projects. IJ.
Fever. Projects. IJ.
Fever. Projects. IJ.

And the cycle just continues.

Lonely in Gorgeous

2009-06-23T00:55:00.002+08:00

At this point of time, I feel extremely burdened by so many circumstances. I felt that my freedom has been restricted, the freedom the write, say, do things that I want. People are always watching and commenting on it, that I don't mind. However, the do not confront me directly, ask me what is wrong, instead they ask someone else.

I feel so irritated at this point of time, is it my fault that they ask you? Should I say "DON'T ASK so and so" next time? So that you wouldn't be so perplexed about it? Is writing such short notes making a big hoo-ha over this issue? I don't think so. I don't have the power to stop people from asking, so I should just limit what I say? Hold back my feelings and emotions.

Frankly, I find it stupid to do so, but its giving you so much problems, I do not have a choice right? I long for the days where I can just not give a damn and write what I want. The freedom of writing, the freedom of speech. I wonder, at this point of time, can someone see eye to eye with me?

Everyone practically label it as my fault without bothering to hear from my side. They just see one side and go with it, never considering my feelings/thoughts towards the problem. Seriously, I do not know what to say to you guys, since I cannot control that behaviour. All I can do is lock up my blog and my profile, and let my close friends read only.

You say I am insensitive, then how about all the others?

Please spare a thought for my feelings.

Right now, I just feel everything is against me. I just have Revogue and nothing else. But thank god for them, they brighten up my day and make me happy. The only time I can say my true honest feelings and they will at least compromise and listen. Thank you girls, lets strive for our goal.

Lonely in Gorgeous from Paradise Kiss (anime)

I dashed out at 0 o’clock in the morning
I kicked the door open
My glass slippers shattered
And my dress tore, too

Hey, aren’t you shocked?
Even if I chased after you, you wouldn’t come
My tears overflow and I can’t run anymore…

It just might be jealousy… It’s-so-pain-ful…!!

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party night… I’m breaking my heart
I want you to find me immediately and embrace me
The headlights shine…where are you bad boy?

Wipe away my tears with the scarf of love
I can’t see anything
I want to scrape up stardust
And hurl it at you

Why do you care?
And yet you are only able to love yourself…
I just might be falling out of love… Is it for real…?!

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party time…won’t bury that
If you’re not here, then the world seems empty
I want to keep dreaming
“I miss you bad boy”
Please don’t shut me inside the glitter
Or I’ll break down

“Lonely in Gorgeous”I’m breaking my heart
Where are you bad boy?
“Lonely in party night”

“Lonely in Gorgeous”
I’m breaking my heart
I miss you bad boy
“Lonely in party time”

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party night…
I can’t laugh
I don’t need anything, just be by my side

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party night…
I’m breaking my heart

Inside of the box of glitter that you left behind
I embrace loneliness and I can’t move
I don’t need anything, just be by my side
Kneel down, look at me
And pledge your love

everything was just an illusion.

2009-06-22T13:32:00.002+08:00

Okay, Imma rip out the entire of Nana's post, We disagree, but hold hands. I just find it so meaningful when you are in a relationship. I am really happy for her! Though I have no idea which sneaky Aaron came up and took away my love! Boo-hoo!

Happy Reading! :)

Sometimes looking at my friends with relationships, i get scared of my own.
All those baseless quarrels, hurtful words said upon each other; what happens after the initial adrenaline rush of love you once had, settles down?

Each would take each for granted.

Assuming they should know you the best since they’re your other half but when they don’t, you start playing the blaming game.
And finally, loving them would come to a point whereby it’s too painful and hard.
So you’ll choose the only way out, and that’s to leave.

I’m sure those of us who have been in a relationship before would know what i mean.
Been there, done that.

I firmly believe that if a couple are on off in their relationship, they should just make a clean break once and for all.
If you really love someone, then you would never ever want a break.
No matter how bad a quarrel, no matter how much the anger, no matter how hurt you are.
Because you love them and losing them causes you much more grief than quarrels.
Even if you have to quarrel everyday, as long as by the end of the day you kiss and make up, it’s been a fulfilled day spent with a loved one.
I love him because he smiles at me and means it.

//
Won’t be home for another 2 nights.Loves, :)

You know, when you are in a relationship whereby two of you are not supportive of each other. Somehow, it just wouldn't work out. Love is based on something simple, something also known as Honesty.

If that fails, Trust, Communication, Love, Selflessness would not follow suit. So when the first base of the pyramid breaks, how can you build upon it?

I guess I finally know the reason why, I cannot trust.